COMMAND REDUCTION OF ARMY PERSONEL (C.R.A.P.)
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. The program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the oppurtunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA forms detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position, it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).
Soldiers who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Follow Termination (SHAFT) phase.
CRAP policy states that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army Leadership deems appropiate.
If a soldier follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Service (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.
The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (s**t) program. The Army takes pride in the ammount of s**t our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more s**t than any other service.
If a soldier feels he/she does not get enough s**t, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the s**t you can stand.
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The local United Way office realized that it had never recieved a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.The volunteer in charge on contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income or $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a minute and replied "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills several times larger than her income?" Embarassed the United Way rep mumbles "Uhm...no."
"Second, that my brother, a disbaled veteran, in blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply" I had no idea...."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again "...And I don't give money to them, so why should I give any to you!?!"
OukaRena Community Member 
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