1/21/05
Mat,
I love you. However, I'm having a hard time trying not to kill you. I am writing this down so I don't yell, or hurt your feelings. I understand this is the first time you've been without your mom, and it's hard for you. But sweety, I AM NOT HER. I'm not superwoman, I can't replace her, I can't do all the mommy stuff she did for you. Maybe I'm not a very good fiancee, maybe I
should care for you like that. I know you despise me for not working, or keeping a spotless house, but please try to understand what I'm saying.
I'm not going to fight with you, I just want to set some ground rules. Please, put away your clothes. Please, take care of the iguanas when I ask. Please, don't seek comfort in the internet when I beg for your attention. Please, don't tell me you will do something for me, when you know you won't. Just because you don't use the word "promise" does not mean it is
NOT a promise. It feels the same to me, and it does hurt and upset me. I know you forgot to take out the trash, so I'm not mad about that. s**t happens.
Mathew, baby, I love you. I just don't know what to do. Will you really help me clean tomorrow? Will you stay off the internet? I'm not trying to nag, or insult you. I'm just confused. I guess I wasn't ready for so much responsibility. Maybe this is all my fault. If you want to leave, you know I won't be angry. And no, I'm not trying to push you away. Like I said, I'm confused. Hell, maybe I won't even give this to you. I'm just lost, heh. Perhaps I could just talk to you. That's what love is, right? Being able to talk..
I love you.
-Nicole
