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you know that feeling you get when everything just feels pointless? like no matter what you'll never be good enough, or never be able to satisfy anyone or soemthing like that? it seems like no matter how hard you try things won't get any better? or perhaps there's just nothing you can do and you just have to sit there and watch helplessly? know what i mean? yeah, that's kind of how i'm feeling right now. and before anyone says anything, it's NO ONE's fault. i repeat, NO ONE's fault. if someone blames themselves for my feeling right now, then we got a problem, so don't, because it's both stupid and a lie, and i hate people who lie on something when i explain it simply. no one made me feel this way but myself. i am responsible for my emotions alone, and they are affected on how i handn't my own stuff, and i chose to handle them rather poorly, which explains why i'm in this mood. i could go on for hours talking about nonsense like this, but i doubt anyone would want to read a long boring thing, if anyone would even read my journal at all. anyhoo, this is just how i'm feeling. and to repeat myself one last time, NO ONE affected how i feel right now, i made myself like this on MY OWN. if someone blames themselves i'm gonna be pissed, and at how i'm feeling right now, none of you wanna see me pissed (at the moment i'm a combination of angry, stressed, depressed, tired, hungry, sick, worried, and on the very very very very brink of having ANOTHER mental breakdown) FYI: i was screaming at my lap top and then using sarcasm with it, it was that bad. i am so close right now to just...ARG, i don't even know. and chez, if you read this, IT ISN'T YOU, it's something else and a lot of little shitty things that now that i think about it i actually forgot, but the feeling is still there. i said i wasn't gonna ramble didn't i? oh well, i doubt anyone would read this in the first place, i just need to get my thoughts out somewhere and out of my head. tis very soothing, no? anyway, where was i? oh wait, there's a limit to posts isn't there? alright then, i'll bring this to a close. allow me to say one more time, because if people don't get this and think the exact opposite of what i'm about to say, i will definatley do something that will be in no way pretty: NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO ONE, DID ANYTHING TO MAKE ME FEEL HOW I DO RIGHT NOW. IT IS SIMPLY ME AND MY MIND AND MY ACTIONS AND NOTHING ELSE. IF YOU THINK I'M LYING THEN YOU ARE IN ONE s**t LOAD OF DENIAL AND NEED TO GET YOUR MIND LOOKED AT. SO NONE OF YOU BETTER SAY NOR THINK (AND DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO HIDE IT IF YOU THINK IT) THAT MY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW WERE AFFECTED FROM YOUR ACTIONS, BECAUSE IT AIN'T TRUE. anyway, i've rambled enough, have fun reading this, if anyone reads it. i'll be back to my old self tommorow once i've gotten some shut eye, that always happens.