well i guess i will start off by saying i just bought a new car .. a red 2002 subaru impreza outback sport .. something i can't afford.. especially working where i am but i am trying to get out.. i seriously hate it... i should have listened back when i was told by an old friend ~ well was ~ to get out.. i never really listened to him.. it was my downfall .. well our friendships downfall ... .. speaking of that.. it has been almost a year.. i haven't forgotten ..
saturday the 19th is this thing i help face paint at called "a night in the country" .. and at the end the have the best fireworks i have ever seen every year... .. and all i can think about is how last year during those fireworks i just kept being happy cuz all i could do was "what if he was here next year at this time" .. or what not.. stuff happens.. i can't help but let my mind go.. i don't want to stop thinking about it.. i found the pictures i had gotten printed off the computer and kim and i looked at them and it made me smile yet made me sad at the same..
i am pathetic i know..
so i am going to add to this.. i guess i have just done alot of thinking lately .. since the topic of who would be here if i hadn't been who i was has been on my mind at least once a day... basically i just want to put out a basic overall apology .. which includes ones of the past i should have said already.. but i am not sorry for things you would think i am sorry for... i am possessive... and being that way i get so over my friends... so if i get snappy or rude or impatient or jealous.. yeah .. it is just who i am and unfortunately it is something i am working on ... as for something in the past... lets just say there is this girl i hate.. but i don't hate her for reasons people think.. some would say she came between me and another friend... and because i cared so much about this person i thought i would lose them.. and trying to fight losing them to another person i lost them myself.. but she didn't... i did .. i know i royally screwed up because i push people away when i pull them to close... the only reason i hate her.. is cuz she hurt the other person .. for which i am not sorry hating her... destroying the relationship was mine alone .. ... in the process i killed something within me .. i suffer the consequences of my actions..
i heard this song from faktion today.. it was all to perfect (to hear go to my myspace)
Goodbye, Brother
To watch your red balloon fly away
Its such a disappointment
Nothing to say, much like today
Im hurting because of you, I saw you fly away
Nothing I can change today
Chorus:
Too bad you couldnt stay, didnt see you on your way
Now theres no taking back
or saying what I meant to say
And now the only question is why,
while the answer is denied
The world looks so much different without your smile
Reality hit me hard today
The past is gone away, hope Ill remember it
And all those times we used to play
Those memories of you and I when we were young
Stir my heart alive and shadow the death that has become
Repeat Chorus
Ill preserve your life inside
To mend your absence for the rest of my time
I know you touched so many lives
I finally see you in your true light
I see all the things I failed to see before
And the world looks different now
Repeat Chorus
Melena Rai Community Member 
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