i have this weird thing. I have a very bad memory but when i have passion or love for the memory i can remember it like a recording. when its a person, i bring it to the point where i remember everything except words. how i felt, how i saw things, even remember remembering it, things leading up to other things, smells, the touch, so much that when im alone and missing that person, i can fall back into my memory of her and it can make me feel happy. but heres the bad part, all that good feeling, all the memory i have of them, when they inevitably leave, im stuck with it. every time i close my eyes all of it rushes back. all the good that they once brought are flipped to bring twice as much pain. so this brings me back to my bad memory. i force myself to forget. little things at 1st, then bigger and bigger until all i am left with is a few associations, a name, things that make me ok with it being done, and then when there is just that, the very last thing i do is stop using the name. once there is no name, then it stops hurting as bad. ill use a title or a nickname just to refer to them, but thats it.
now if you know me, you know i had a good ex. it took a long time but now i cant even try to remember what made her good. just that she was. because of that, i don't miss her and dont cry anymore. but erasing her was hard but at the same it taught me how to do it easier with each consecutive person. as it stands i am already close to forgetting everything from this last one. i barley remember her face, i only remember things about her if i try, and soon, it will be that she existed and nothing more.
now that ive said that, i went to try to get help getting work today. going to do more tomorrow. sadly on my way out i had to fix my leg and went to the bathroom and just had an anxiety attack. im glad i know i can hold it in for a bit but man it was rough this time. but i got home, ate, and have been pretty calm since. idk how good it will be when i get an actual job but yea, ill get there, i have no choice. truth is, cant trust anyone to be relied on, if you can't or wont do things yourself, they will never get done, so i haveto suck it up and get it done and done right. for instance tomorrow i will be making dinner for the family, going to bake a chicken unprompted and unasked and even make fry's if we have some frozen ones, if not ill cut up and literally fry or maybe bake potatoes. pretty sure dad will still not eat it, that selfish jerk never dose.
i think thats it for today. just needed to get this off my chest today, feeling better now. hope i can make it threw tomorrow. going to call ontaro work and if i don't get an appointment then ill head over to the gym and try to get use to anxiety attack a little more. had 1 last time i was there. might make an appointment with a doctor when i get money to talk about the anxiety, cuz i think i can deal with my depression without meds but this anxiety is beyond all my control and i do not like it.
WaterAttire Community Member 
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