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Yeah, I didn't study yet this year for them. I'll have to go ahead and study for the french one if I want some semblance of a mark, but CommTech shouldn't be hard, so I didn't bother.
So now I'm stressing. I knew I should have exercised, but I felt so tired. I should be in bed now too. PLUS I'm trying to get a summer job and I'm all ARRRRGBHHH!!QLRBH!! about that.
Last day of high school ever. It was good. Kind of anti-climactic though. I still need to log into the colleges website and cancel my offer, but I don't even want to go through that hassle. Some day when I remember and I'm not all frazzled.
Frazzle, yes, that's me all right - full of frazzle. ><
At least I have good friends, roof over my head, enough money (just enough, lol) for everything until I get a job to cover my stupid spending on ******** fattening food I don't need, lol.
I don't want to gain anything back. I'm scared I might not get back into my routine and ways of eating healthy and exercising. I'm scared I'll get caught in some vicious ******** eating disorder cycle, because it seems like everyone has one but me. ********.
Then there's the fact that I've been feeling increasingly lonely, along with the tired and worry. The people who I want dont want me, and the people who do want me I don't want, and the people who I want that want me are at least 18 bloody ******** hours of driving away. Is it so wrong to just want to be held, kissed, touched, made to lie down and be ravished even if you don't care who the ******** it is? I guess it's just hormones. Just biology telling me I ******** need to get laid before my body gets too old to produce eggs. Haha.
Do I sound bitter? I feel bitter. I have a great deal in life and yet I waste my hours staying up late instead of sleeping, bitching about stupid s**t. Sometimes I don't know whether I should be crying or screaming. I want to tell people everything, but I don't. I don't.
I want to confide in people I know in real life that I'm falling for a beautiful girl in Ottawa, but I just can't. It's like I don't trust myself to trust anyone else. ********, I can't even trust myself to ******** exercise and eat healthy, so how the hell am I SUPPOSED to trust anyone else?
At least my pictures are still beautiful. I can hang onto that I guess. We did a thing in class today where people said where they saw people in 10 years. Some people (a fair number) they said they'd be with someone, have kids. Nothing like that for me. I don't even know if I want kids, or someone. Well I want someone, but I don't know if I want an only someone.
I'm just rambling now, but I need to. I need to write, I need to vent, I want to scream, and I don't WANT the ******** job but I have to get it to pay for my LUXURIES and I'm all whiny and being ******** spoiled and hypocritical and I hate myself for being such a brat and wanting to be just catered to. There's probably something wrong with wanting everything to go your way, but everyone does it.
I still don't know why music makes me cry so often. I still don't get exactly why the sound and sight of a train going by the bus stop makes everything all right, but all I know is that I'm really tired, feeling really shitty and my throat hurts from holding back sobs. If I do cry though, I'll get a massive headache. I hate crying myself to sleep; it's the worst feeling in the world. I stay up later online just to cheer myself up if I have to.
I'm getting sicker and sicker every year, and it's probably because I'm too much of a ******** moron to take care of myself. I know what to do and yet I don't. Why does it have to be so hard? And everyone seems to struggle with their looks and weight and health...why can't we all just be more accepting and realize we're all beautiful?
I don't have any drive to practice piano; I give up things when they no longer interest me. I have no idea what I want to really do with my life; I just want to live and I'd rather not have to worry about where money's coming from, but with my career choice that's not an option.
It's weird to talk to this guyfriend I have now; I don't feel like I know him. He's started having drinks here and there - before he was like, dry county poster boy and now he's been drunk a few times, and according to him it solves his problems. I don't think he has any idea how much that scares me. I haven't been stealing glances at him or anything lately - he's been feeling low, and people who feel low aren't attractive, I suppose. He's a friend - that's all he is, that's how it should be. It's better like that, believe me. It'd be so frickin' awkward if for some ******** up reason he liked me, which he doesn't.
I feel as though I'm slipping from people, but I always feel like that when I'm down. I can't make absolutes when I'm tired and cranky and sore and sad. I wish I didn't forget things all the time though. Or misplace stuff. >W<
I should have exercised. I will tomorrow. That or I'll walk so ******** much that my legs will fall off. I'll try not to eat cookies. I might fail. Goddamn vacations always weaken my resolve because I go out of routine.
Toronto was good fun; I went to Mom's graduation, that was good and boring, lol. anada's Wonderland was like an expensive trip to the local pool that's overcrowded. Everything was an hour wait - the one ride we went on (more like 1h 30min) and even the ******** line for Pizza Pizza.
Blue Man Group was awesome the second time around too, and HAIR (the musical) was amazing. biggrin I cried at the end of that too. I ******** cry at everything.
 Renee the Rabid Squirrel · Wed Jun 21, 2006 @ 04:19am · 2 Comments |
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