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i must say now for i can not avoid it i am so very lonly. in my life i have all but been abandoned. It is so cold i feel empty but of emptiness and death i wish death and yet i can not force it to come. My religon is great and all i know mock it. These physical limitations drive me insain. I can not be strong for i am weak. What shall i do? i ask you now this question for i can not answare it myself. I have no one next to me. how i would love someone to wrap their arms around my shoulders and whisper words of strength for me to grip onto from which i can hang on. i drift into thought which is never good for i constantly think of sadness not my own but his.

I think one of the greatest things i have come up with is theses lines:

" not strong not weak
just dead."

its from my new poem called scilence.this is how it goes

I speek, they scream
I cry, they mock
I am so sick of this futile effort...
So i stopped.
I did not warn others of danger
I merely watched, hollow eyed
They eye me warily
They yell " why did you not call out"
I merely smile my scilent dark little smile
The preached of scilence
Now they beg for sound
They brought it upon themselves
So i say nothing
I hear nothing
I do nothing
I remain scilent
As i rot
The world soon to follow
Not strong, Not weak
Just dead


That is how i feel inside empty and dead. Sriviling upon myself not of sorrow for i have no true sorrow. of anger hate i do not know but it hurts. I want to cry i want to cry so much it burns but i can not. there is always someone there i can not let them see me cry. i go in the back yard to cry and one of the children runs out so i plaster on a smile and laugh a dry and dead laugh that always erupts from my throat. it to burns. i can not cry for they would see and i would shrivil more. I am not worthy to worship my lord but i can not stop. I want to take my own life but to i can not i have tried and failed many times, but i now know this would only let me give in to my weakness. i hurt i burn i cry and yet to the world around me i am a happy girl who dosent give a ******** about what they think. when truly i do. what shall i do. My sould is slowly shrinking i give bits and bits aya to those who need it even without asking, am i selfish for this, bit by bit it disapperes i give it slowly away. But i fear there will not be enough left of me when i die so i may pas directly into oblivion but mabey it will be worth it... i have no idea i never do. if only someone would save me... i am so alone. so alone lost in a sea of darkness.