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My Life.. or a Reasonable Fascimile |
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Edit: pictures have been removed, waaaay out of date.
I turned eighteen this past April, and have been living on my own since the beginning of June in a two bedroom apartment not even two blocks over from my parent's house-- but on a different street, thank gods. I've had a little trouble with the neighbors, but that's not really important. What is important is that I started talking/rping with a guy who lived in Texas..that was about two months before I moved. We had long phone conversations, e-mails, etc. Since I was on my own and had money, thanks to an insurance settlement, I bought a plane ticket for him and he came to see me.
Needless to say, that was the best week of my life. I swear, I'm getting misty eyed thinking about it. From a shy meeting, to a passionate night together, to movies and malls and just holding each other tight... it all just clicked so nicely. For once I was really happy-- not to mention scared. I wondered if I had finally met "the one".. and if I had, what was I going to do without him for a year, until my lease was up? He and I said goodbye at the end of that week, his blue eyes full of tears, his red hair disheveled from tugging a ballcap down over it to hide his face. He called me on the cellphone when I got back out to my car, and I swear you could hear my heart cracking in two... I love him.. very much.
A month later, I had purchased a plane ticket to jet down to Texas and see him again. His family was very polite, except for his oldest little sister and her boyfriend his best friend)-- but I think they were just bitter about having to split his attention. He and I stayed in a hotel for a week, snuggling, cuddling, and doing other things you probably wouldn't want to hear...
Anyway, long story short, he's at work right now and will be home at midnight, which means I need to fix dinner. Yea.. he lives in my apartment now, and we're openly engaged-- meaning we don't have a set date. Little Nikki is getting married to a 6'3" gentle giant, hehe. It's an adjustment, that's for sure.. I was so used to pretending to be independent that it's hard to let go and just let him take care of me like he wants to. I've become submissive and almost sickeningly affectionate... but it feels so much better than the damp, cold darkness being the only one to embrace me each night. I'm in love, engaged, and strangely ready to be a wife.
I can only hope that you find your one true love in a manner similar to the way I did-- quick and mostly painless. I mean, we're pressed for cash now, but it's nothing we can't handle. He's got a good job and I'm fighting to get my applications even looked at, but hey.. That's life, and at least I'm not all alone anymore.
On a darker note, I've started to notice things about me that I've never known. First of all, I'm possessive-- everything is mine, including him. Second, I realize now that I'm a lot weaker than I thought I was-- I actually NEED someone now. Third, I'm easily scared-- solitude now frightens me rather than comforts me. And fourth, I'm way too paranoid for my own good--every shadow or sound is some faceless terror coming to destroy me, every whispered word is a conspiracy behind my back to dethrone me from my meager kingdom. Maybe I need therapy.
However, all of these thoughts merely dance in the background of my mind.. all I can think of is how crazy this is, how quickly He and I lept at each other across that distant chasm of doubt. Sometimes I'm afraid of losing him, of doing so many things wrong. I once broke the frame his diploma was in, and was so terrified of his finding out. You know what? He laughed and said it was alright, just as long as I was okay. That's the kind of man I want to marry.. the kind I will marry. The kind of guy who doesn't mind showering together once in a while, sittng in the living room with a fondue pot and a PS2, or slapping paint on each other playfully. That's the giddy high I enjoy.
 Lunari · Tue Dec 07, 2004 @ 03:09am · 0 Comments |
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