That I never actually use this damn journal. And that's okay. Because that means no one reads it anyways. I just need to talk. Just talk and let it all out.
I just feel like I'm in this in-between state. Like I'm not actually here. I go out with friends. I talk to them. I try my best to be a part of the group. And it never ******** fails. As soon as I start to feel like maybe I belong somewhere the bottom falls out. I get disconnected somehow. I feel like the group is moving forward without me. And then I just don't have that group anymore.
I feel like I'm just here to bring people into the group and then I'm not needed anymore. I just fade away. And the cycle continues with another group of people.
And I just ******** did it again! I always think that things will be different. That this group will keep me. But one little thing happens and bang! I don't feel like I belong anymore. Like I'm a burden by being there. Then my anxiety kicks in. And things get even worse. And the paranoia becomes almost crippling. And I start preparing myself to just get dropped at any moment.
I should really just get focused on things like work and figuring out what to do with my life. Those are way more important right now. I mean I'm 21 and have no clue what I wanna do. I need to get it figured out so I can go back to school and get a real job. Because working at McDonalds is not something to aspire to.
Ughhhh.... Tonight is just a bad night for my brain to over think....
Tora17 Community Member 
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