There are so many things running through my head, yet words seem to fail me...but I'll try typing this up anyway.
It seems that, now, more so than ever, I get the feeling there is nothing here for me in this town. No where I particularly want to go that I haven't been. No one that I particularly want to talk to or see (except for maybe one...maybe). Nothing I can particularly do that would make me happy here. There is nothing here. Maybe it's not so much nothing here, in this house, in this town, but maybe there is just nothing inside me. As of late, there has been nothing but the lack of feeling that takes place within. I feel so dead inside, that I give myself the impression I'm dead to the outside world as well. Each day has become more monotonous than the previous, the same routine over and over. Like I live each day the same way. I feel as though I'm an unattended machine who's finally starting to shut down, becoming obsolete, insignificant. Someone who's passion (and maybe compassion) is starting to run dry. I don't think it's me giving up on everything, I just think it's me rolling over and turning gray about it, indifferent, lethargic, like a sloth. Slowly going this direction, that direction, not even knowing where I'm going or why, but going nonetheless. And I feel that this drab perception of this life isn't what's meant for me. I feel like I should be doing something else. I feel like this life I'm living isn't mine. Maybe I can only truly be who I'm meant to somewhere else. Maybe that's why this town doesn't cut it for me. I don't belong here, but if not here, then where? I don't want to just sit here, wait for things to happen but have them never come, and then push daisies. I want to be independent, but there's not really a way of doing so without being a lone wolf. And I want to be confident in my individuality, but I feel like I don't have one, or a personality for that matter. How can I be confident in something I haven't found yet? I feel like a fleshy mess, or a zombie, walking through each day just to be walking. I don't find purpose. I don't find meaning. I don't find anything. But I need something because this vast nothingness is pulling me down when I'm trying to move up. And I don't understand how some just have everything handed to them through some obscure system of luck and aren't even doing anything with it. Why do I feel like I work so hard and it doesn't even pay off, but people who do nothing get all the benefits? This life is so short. You never know when it's going to end. I don't feel like I'm spending my time in a healthy manner. I want to have happiness. I want to have a passion for something. I want to figure out my individuality. I want to do something with this life of mine. I want to be with someone who means a lot to me. I want to find a way to get what I want. This all seems so far-fetched.
But I guess we can't all get what we want.
I don't know what I'm talking about! Just now I started to think about what I typed and maybe I'm just in a little bit of a slump right now. Heck, I'll prolly sleep on it and feel better tomorrow. I guess I should just take the advice that's been given to me and use it to my advantage. I don't have to feel this way. I can change this version of myself with a little thought and motivation. The only way things are going to get better for me is if I actually put some effort into everyday. I don't know if it'll help with my absence of emotion right now, but I can try. Bite the bullet and rip through this, regardless if I feel anything or not. It's prolly best I don't feel much of anything right now, things aren't affecting me as much...or maybe I suffer from senile dementia and it just affects me more because of where I stand in this gray zone.
Maybe I should take some time away from my mind and lighten up. Relaxation is probably the key. Maybe I should unlock the door.
---Invader_Champloo! (or whoever's controlling her mind at this point in time...we don't really know.)
Invader_Champloo! Community Member 
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