|
|
|
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL pooh!
• Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Here's a collection of some phrases that I thought were pretty funny. I'm sure some of you have gotten these in all those lovely emails that people insist on sending to everyone. Enjoy!
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Most just don't have film.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL pooh!
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
• Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
• There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
• It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
• I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
• Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
-R.J.
" Like Love, Darkness is there to prevail above others... "
-Cassandra R.J. Paquette
" When you say ' WHAT' I said. " In Bed?! "
-Rochelle Obelsy
" ******** you! " He says and then she turns around and smirks. " When, Where, and how hard?"
-Whintey Solberg & Micheal White
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "f**k YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
- Me, My Dad, And Brothers
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
-Mom....XD
A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her".
The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath".
The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says
"Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".
Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."
-Joey P. A. Roland
This guy is flying down the road in his EB Z06; and he comes over the top of a bridge, sure enough,on the other side there is sitting a cop with a radar gun.
The cop pulls the guy over,walks up to the car and asks "What's the
hurry?"
The guy replies, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah", says the cop, "what do you do?"
The guy responds, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says "A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
The guy says,"Well, I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two fingers, then three,then four,then my whole hand,then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide"
The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot a*****e?'
The guy replies, "You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."
-Dad
 Vix Kazz · Sat Apr 17, 2010 @ 05:22pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
