Yay!!!! For the first time in a couple of months I actually had fun at school. It wasn't anything spectacular.... I just felt.... I don't know.... better. Free-er.... I don't know...
But it was a heck of a lot nicer than feeling like crap over things that have long since passed.... It took me a bit.... but I realized there were things that were more important than brooding about what was said or why.... I have a life to live.... things to do.... stuff to see... And I don't have enough time to worry about something that had faded long ago..... I've been there, bought a postcard, and tried the cuisine. I think I've lived enough of my life worrying about what will happen without this something that I can now live without it.
For those who don't understand.... or those who do and are offended by it... I'm sorry. But sometimes things happen and you get a glimpse of something that's a lot more appealing than the misery you feel inside. A glimpse of what life is without this something.... At first I was terrified.... My life had centered around this thing for years. It was how I defined myself. This thing was very important to me.... I wouldn't ever do something to destroy it because that in turn would destroy me....
But then It happened... like I knew it would.... little things began to happen. Insignificant then... but looking back... I see how one thing led to another. It was living on the edge of chaos with this very significant something and It and I were about to jump off the edge... Into the chaotic abyss that waited.
There was a struggle to hold on.... a struggle to maintain what once was. But as the chaotic abyss receded.... things had changed. There was a tolerance.... A feeling I was afraid to feel. I had never felt so indifferent about anything like this... especially when there had been strong feelings before...
So I held on.... wishing the blankness to go away.... I tried to distract myself.... anything to feel it again. But nothing worked the way I hoped.... I didn't feel the happiness towards the thing... but a quiet anger that I refused to admit... centering itself into the darkness of my thoughts....
It seemed we were almost settled back on the brink of chaos.... and uneasy truce... an acceptance.... but then something happened and I pulled the thing back into the abyss with me... hoping that the dark current would once again lead back to tolerance.... because now blankness was better than this anger....
It was in the abyss I realized something. As the once significant something and I drowned under the weight of the darkness, I saw another side to this something.... something I had feared to face: the blankness it had towards me
I wasn't the only one who had changed after the first fall into the abyss.. My something had too. The same way I had... but it didn't fear it.... it accepted it and was really only bound to me out of obligation. It would've disappeared if there wasn't a reason to stay.
It didn't see itself as horrible... Like I had. It didn't beat itself up about it.... like I had. No..... it had long since moved on. And I had been to blind to see. No, not blind... too hopeful. Too focused....
I had seen myself as a bad person for wishing to let go of this thing, my addiction, my tie to life... I couldn't stop wishing I had stopped the fall before it happened. I couldn't stop trying to feel something other than blankness...
But my something hadn't tried at all. The thing I had been so connected to had in the end stopped. While I felt broken it had abandoned me, when I cried about it it had not been there, when I screamed there was no soothing. Instead, it all but vanished, staying as only as connected as necessary.
In the end.... I was nothing more than a requirement. Just something that had to be held onto for personal gain. I had been used.
Betrayal is a funny thing. I had always thought that if the something was no longer the center of my focus, I'd altogether fade away with nothing holding me down. But now.... even after all the falls, the pain, the suffering... I endured. Sure... I had been scarred by my falls.... but I continued on. I in actuality had no reason to try to change the past... no amount of falling was going to change this.... I would never need my something again...
It was after realizing that I didn't need to hold on anymore that I let go.... everything that had connected me to what had been the most important something of my life disappeared. No more fear... no more stress... no more tears...
It and I were swept up by different currents... pulled further and further away until the blackness had consumed my something and it was no longer in view. But that wasn't important now. What was important was that I had indeed endured. The crushing weight of the black abyss was nothing now with the happiness that had been lost returned.....
The abyss pulled me onto the edge again... but I didn't feel the need to stay long. I got up out of the depths and walked straight past the place where I had jumped off the edge with the something... faintly remembering why....
But that no longer mattered.....
I was free.
biggrin
Arcana Grimoire Community Member 
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