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So... I've been having a... very insane and recurring dream lately. It's... hard for me to explain, really. I guess the thought of what my dreams have been about lately happened when I saw Pat a few days ago, like... I don't remember when. Lol. I think Monday. We were talking about when we'll finally be able to start our own family... and him and I both kept looking down at my stomach and rubbing where the bulge of a child would someday be. I got teary-eyed, and knew I wanted to be with Pat forever.
And ever since then... the little silent voice in the back of my head that's almost always silent, keeps screaming about how badly I want to become pregnant. The thing is, I truly don't. Not until a few years after I'm married, anyway. But the voice is terrifying me... and I dunno. All of my dreams are about how I'm going to become pregnant and how wonderful it'll be, even the morning sickness and pain of child-birth. Pat will be by my side, which makes it all better. But... I dunno. I'm scared, honestly. I don't know what to think of it.
Yeah, a lot of people have been telling me, "Oh. It's because you love him, darling." I know that. But this isn't natural, I guess. Not for me, anyway. I don't think it is, anyway. I've never been in love before I met Pat... and I've never wanted to get pregnant before I met Pat. I guess I'm just insane, huh? I wonder how he'd take this if he could read this right now. Lol.
But I had a dream like, last night, actually, about it. I told Pat how I wanted to become pregnant with my first child on my 25th birthday. I always have, too. And when I fell asleep, in my dream it was my 25th birthday. You can guess what happened, and a few weeks later, I took a pregnancy test. It came out positive. I told Brendan [my best friend ever!] first, and he got excited and helped me come up with a way to tell Pat that I was bearing our child. We decided on me setting little sticky-notes with letters on them, all around the house. All over the place were sticky-notes with the letters of, "I'm pregnant." on them. In Pat's favourite places. And when he got all the letters, I told him to put them in order. He did, and was half in shock, and half excited beyond his wildest dreams. We kissed, then I woke up. In tears.
I really want that to happen, but not until after I get married! I'm just a basket-case, huh? I don't think anybody understands how badly I want to have a child, but I also don't want to have a child. Make sense? Like, right now, I dunno. I'm having mixed emotions about it. Stupid female hormones and adoring little babies. I'm going to look so funny being pregnant, though. Lol. Imagine a 5' 1" girl who weighs about 96 pounds pregnant, and you've got me in a few years. Lol. My doctors said that I'm not gettin' any taller. Yay for being short!
 CaRto0nz · Sun Mar 23, 2008 @ 07:39am · 2 Comments |
