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Well, after that whole thing that went down at the prom, I'm feeling a little bit better. It took an entire day for it to hit me, and when it did... I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. I swear I did... But, I guess it's for the better. Scott said that he was dating me for the wrong reasons and I have to accept that. But, it's so hard seeing him every day at school now. I do wish to remain close with him though. I have nothing but good feelings towards him. He says that two people have already asked him out! I couldn't take it if he were to date someone else so soon. We got really close in not just an emotional way (or at least I did), but we got really close physically too. I understand that that's all he was in it for too, but I've already cried over that and I cannot dwell on such a thing. I just feel so expendable after hearing that he's already been asked out twice. It's like he never even needed me, even though I needed/need him so much. It's really painful to think about. I just wish I had meant something to him. It would have made me feel better to hear that... it still would. It just feels like I didn't matter and I can't stand that thought because he mattered so much to me. I would have dropped whatever I was doing no matter what it was if he were to walk in the room at anytime, I probably still would. But, he was never like that. It hurt the entire time we dated when he didn't show any interest. And then he began to ignore me from time to time. I really don't think he knows what it means to be in a serious relationship because that's what I was in it for. I suppose he just isn't ready yet. But, I'm dealing with everything in the best way I can, by remembering the good memories when they come up and also remembering that they were a great part of my life. But, I have yet to accept that I'll never be able to have them with him again. And what's sad, is that I'd take him back. I hear that it's so pathetic to say that, but I do believe in second chances when it's about someone you really do care about. I don't think it would ever happen though because if he were to come back around, he'd never have the guts to tell me. I was the one to initiate everything (and I mean everything...). I don't mean to sound insulting, but it's the truth. It's just who he is. He's not the type to do such a thing... but if he were to do that, I'd be more shocked than I've ever been in my life. I'm serious, it'd surprise the hell out of me. But, there I go with my wishful thinking. I'm really stuck on that right now. And what's really weird is that I'm getting more attention from him now than I did when we were dating. I just still wish things could have worked out. But, he wasn't in it for the reasons I was in, because physical stuff was seriously the last thing on my mind. I did enjoy it, but I did a lot of it to please him of course. I only want the best for him, but if it's not me, then I'm really workin' on accepting that. It just hurts knowing that he could dump me and then possibly go and date a girl. It just seems quite fickle to me. I am not the "other side", and if he's reading this, then he knows how bothered I was over that little comment. It bothers me that the whole thing was referred to as that. He reduced our relationship to "the other side". It seems to have meant nothing to him and it's really killing me. One-sided relationships suck!!! Ah well, typing on this thing helps me get over things... I'm not outta his life though. I'm still gonna figure this guy out. He seems to really want to talk about things he's never felt comfortable enough to talk about. I got so close to letting him tell me what's wrong the night after he broke up with me, and I'm not letting up. I just want to show him how much more relieved he'll feel after talking to someone. He may not want to be with me intimately as a couple, but I'm gonna show him that he can trust me in a different way. I just want to help, I can't seem to stress that enough...
 [K!ng] · Tue Apr 19, 2005 @ 08:15pm · 1 Comments |
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![[K!ng]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/72/74/5f57b139187472.png?t=1731381994_6_11 "[K!ng]")