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My boyfriend (hi Scott!) was in the school play last night and did really good!!! I swear he has the best voice out of everyone up there. When he starts to sing, I actually melt... I love it. After the play, we went to Ham's (a restaurant in town) to the "cast" party. Let's just say, I felt really out of place at first since it was for the cast, but Scott made me feel better and I went inside with everyone. He sure does know how to get me to do something... Anyways, while we were there, we had a great time! It was the first time I had seen him out of school since Monday. It's been killing me really. I feel like that's the only time I can really talk to him. At school, he's around his friends and is very easily distracted. It's cute how scatterbrained he is at times, but then there are some times when I'm selfish and just want to get away with him. All I want is to be with him, alone. Just to lay with him, each of us holding each other. It would be wonderful. But, I think that he thinks all I want to do is makeout and do stuff in that nature. That's not it at all. It's just so tough getting him alone. I really miss him a lot. And when I'm on the phone with him, he's always playing some sort of game... and when typing online, I'm along with 20 other people in a list of people he's talking to. I can handle it, but I just wish to be alone with him. I know he picks up on it though, and he tries to make me feel better. But, I have to wonder... am I asking too much? Because it seems as though I am. I'm wonderfully happy with what I have now. But, I want more of him. I've fallen for him terribly... in a way I've never done for anyone before in my life. He's a wonderful person who has helped me get through some "bad habits" of mine that I won't go into any detail with. And I'm a better person for it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too demanding of attention. And it makes me feel really pathetic and clingy, and that's weird for me. It's just something I'm working through with myself. I have horrible insecurities that nobody in the entire world knows about. Not even my best friends. I talk about them to no one. But, I think I need to explain them to Scott in order to make him understand why I'm thinking the way I am. I just want to know what it means when he's all I think about, when my stomach falls to the ground when I see him, when I dream about him, when I'm jealous over him for something I shouldn't be, when I hurt when he's not near... I don't know what to do with these feelings or how exactly to express them. But, I love what he's making me feel on top of all of that confusion. I don't express feelings often. So, it's eating away inside of me because these ones are terribly strong. And I can't express them. I don't exactly know what's going on. I'm completely supportive of him and I love what he does because it's amazing. And I don't mean to be selfish. Last night, I wanted him to come back to my house after the party so I could spend some time with him, even though I knew how tired he was. I let my urges get the better of me at his expense. I'm really working hard at not pressuring him into doing something when I know that it's gonna tire him out. But, that is something that I do need to change about myself because it isn't one of my good qualities. I just can't stop myself from thinking about him, and I don't plan on doing so. It's just scaring me at what's happening to me.
 [K!ng] · Sat Apr 09, 2005 @ 07:06pm · 0 Comments |
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![[K!ng]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/72/74/5f57b139187472.png?t=1731381994_6_11 "[K!ng]")