• Why do I have to be so paranoid?
    Cant I simply be happy with what I got?
    Do I have to freak out as soon as the slightest doubt comes to play?
    Boy after Boy, Man after Man, Guy after Guy…
    Why can’t I keep calm, keep still?
    I AM TERRIFIED.
    There I said it, I’m afraid, and terrified of something that might not even be there
    I’m scared of being misunderstood
    I'm scared he's just telling me what I want to hear
    I’m afraid he only said yes to the dates so he wouldn’t hurt me
    I’m afraid that he doesn’t really care
    I’m afraid that he’s just putting up a front or act for everyone else at the expense of me.
    I’m afraid of some one reading this and thinking its about them
    I’m terrified they’d find me overwhelming and leave
    I'm terrified he wants one thing
    I'm terrified he doesn't want me
    I’m terrified of being hurt.
    I don’t want someone to ‘date’ me. I want someone who will hang out with me, chill with me,
    Help me smile when it gets too hard to. Heck if we Date that would be amazing. But I don’t want a ‘Date’.
    I don’t want a pity date or a pity party. I want someone who actually thinks I’m cool, pretty, nice, fun to hang around.
    I want to hold his hand. Dear God I want to hold his hand. I think I could get the courage to do so much if I were to simply get a hold of his hand. I could lean on him, link arms, holding hands is practically an invitation, saying ‘Yes I do like you back but I’m too afraid to admit it out loud.’ I could maybe get the courage to kiss his cheek like I’ve been planning to for weeks.
    I don't want to jump to fast till my head is spinning, I don't want to go so slow that nothing happens, I don't want to be so scared that I have to ask every one for hints and tips.
    I’ve only been in one relationship before – and it was two years of emotional, learning, awkward hell.
    I’m afraid of what I’m possibly becoming; clingy, jealous, borderline stalker-ish. Every one convinces me otherwise. That I’m not following him, asking what he’s doing, where he is, why he’s not hanging out with me…
    But I want to.
    I'm afraid of chasing after something that I might not really want, I'm afraid of leading on
    Its terrifying to feel soo over the top crazy for a guy that I can’t let myself text him more than two conversations a day…That I have to be careful what I say, I don’t want smother him, I wont ask him where he is. I'll try to flirt, I'll try to involve him in my life. I ask if he wants to chill, I ask if he minds me sleeping on his shoulder, I want to ask if he’s ok with me holding his hand.
    Hold his hand.
    We’re able to snuggle next to each other, have me sleeping on his shoulder under a cover with his head resting on mine…but we can’t hold hands or snuggle like that in a movie theater? The things I can’t understand… Or he can't stand with in two feet of you in public, but once in darkness and secret corners, he has all the confidence in the world.
    I want to feel content, calm and understanding that he does like me and that he’s just nervous. Or confident that its me he's after and not a story to tell his friends. But how can I think positive when the times I want to be with him the most he’s either not there, cold and unfeeling, or so over the top you can't read his actions.
    I was afraid he didn’t want me around, but then he made me feel better by saying that I wasn’t a burden or bothersome, that he was glad I was there…I was afraid i said the wrong things, that he'd be mad with me, or when i said no he'd leave me alone in a fluster.
    I was afraid that I was being annoying, and he assured me that I could annoy him whenever I wanted to. I was afraid i was avoiding him, but he assured me that it was alright to tease.
    I was afraid I was hugging him or brushing past him to much…and then he offered his shoulder to nap on. I was scared that touching his arm as I walked past him was to much, then he held me from behind.
    How strange the affections change in different circumstances with different guys.
    But even then he shunned me and sent me away, my worst fears flooding through me
    Even when he tore my fantasy and sent me falling into reality and my mind was spinning
    I always turn back and hope to hear his voice, read his text, see his face.
    I don’t want to date, dating is to scary- dating means full commitment, dating means turning over
    I want some one to care, some one to hang out with, to be able to look at my phone and see that I am thought about and cared for
    But I’m terrified
    I’m terrified of being misunderstood
    I’m afraid of looking to hard
    I'm scared of trying to hard
    I’m sick of people telling me to be happy with what I have when all I want is just ‘a little more’
    I’m afraid of leading people on and scaring people away
    Why do I have to be so Paranoid?