Why Don't Maintain an Open

• Artist: TheKhamaseen
• Description: kinda cheesy- if you know what you're talking about help me fix it.
• Date: 05/24/2009
• Tags: dont maintain open

As any surgeon would tell you
Once a heart is open
You have only have 40 minutes
To fix it, before it is still
.. ..
With scalpel in hand
I look at him
With that knowledge in the fore front
Of my mind
.. ..
And he- who is about to be so carefully
Mangled, has no idea of the brevity of his
Repairs
.. ..
I imagine if I was the one on the stretcher-
The one about to be opened and hope
That the doctor can fix me within
40 minutes, I think-
.. ..
I’d feel that I’d rather live with
A missing piece
Than die in wait for repair

Comments

[vonnsilva]

Okay, don't say "with that knowledge in the forefront of my mind" you know better than that.
The style is too narrative. It is a very abstract idea so it cries out for a more poetic style.
Try adding some soft, sound devices; I think it will add nicely to the irony.
I like the ending but please don't say, "A missing piece," that is just terrible. Find another way to say it.
I like the idea of only 40 minutes but you only mention it once. I think that should be the focus of the piece.

[hot cherries101]

........... ok if ur gonna say that my poetry is that crappy at leats read urs first> or read some other ones.