Us, a we

• Artist: Complacent Revenge
• Description: Something that I happened to write while being bored doing homework(which of course I never managed to complete)
• Date: 04/11/2009
• Tags: love sadness

The days stretched long
Far and further beyond
Time, it wasn't a race
It was, eternally a curse

Our love, like warm breezes
Like cold frigid ice that freezes
Beginning like rough bumpy roads
Ending like cold marble loads

Each time it grew
Our hearts soared and flew
When the bubble burst
Became of us, enemies of the worst

Bitter laughs, biting words
Black ravens that came in herds
Gone were days of quiet comfort
Come now was cold stares masking hurt

A glance, a blink
Awkward atmosphere begins to sink
You and me
Were once, a we

Comments

[Chiyuki-san]

Finally, something written with skill! Very precise and appropriate vocab, near-perfect grammar (check your commas).
Sometimes the rhyme and rhythm are a little off, but the thinking behind it all is very good.
I think you should try rewriting this in free-form, so you don't have to force awkward lines and you can say things exactly as you want to.
Overall, one of the better poems I've seen on here!