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PAIN
Pain is just like Rain
Pouring on your face
with out a trace
showing with no grace
Rain just seems to come
when you thinks its dumb
When it's a bad time
It comes at the dime
Which your heart may break
Such a heart ache
but then when you wake
A new day you'll make
- Title: Pain
- Artist: 3D Lemon
- Description: This wasn't the best i know but comment i love Criticism bring it on.
- Date: 03/24/2009
- Tags: pain
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Comments (7 Comments)
- 3D Lemon - 04/01/2009
- okay i dont quite get what you meant but alrighty then
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- Poetic Progression - 03/30/2009
- Lol, doesn't really apply to me, considering that I love the rain. You're open to criticism, right? Okay, for one, some of those rhymes don't really fit and sound really forced. Ex. "at the dime", "without a trace". And the line "when you thinks its dumb", doesn't really make sense. How is the rain dumb? You can use a simile right after. Either clarify that or replace it. All in all, not bad. It could still use some work, though, no offense.
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- 3D Lemon - 03/28/2009
- dont worry i love it when people give me criticism because it helps me relize we are all human
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- queenofcookiecats - 03/27/2009
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IU like it ^-^ as a language person I'd have to say that "dumb" doesn't match the tone of the poem as being too informal...and I've never heard of something coming at the dime. but don't listen to me if you don't want to XP....I'm picky with writing
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- bored-n-stoopid - 03/27/2009
- ahh, this is the one u sent me =D
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- 3D Lemon - 03/27/2009
- tell your friends
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- shadow_knight10 - 03/26/2009
- i like this.
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