• Dear you,

    I know you don't know this, and I know you don't mean it, but you're hurting me. Really, really bad. How? By the things you say, and don't say. By the things you do, and don't do. By everything about you, good or bad.

    When everything is all wrong, well, the rest is obvious. It just totally sucks sometimes, you know? When you're so happy and I'm so down, and I don't want to talk to you because I'm just going to ruin it for you. Yeah. That. It sucks that you don't know what you're doing to me, and yet I'm glad that you don't know. I want you to know that I hate you. But I don't want you to hate yourself. Why? Because I love you that much.

    And that's the good part. Ironic. Yeah, some great friendships have some great ironies.
    This is the real thing, love. Masks are beautiful, and how I wish we could keep ours on. But the mask needs to be taken off, so that the wounds beneath it can breathe. That way they heal better. But the retarded truth is this -- I'm not quite sure if I want to heal. Right down to the scars, at least. Sadistic. That's what they mean when they say "You'll always be a part of me" or "What I am today is because of you". The scars.

    Hurt me, my love. Don't be afraid. If you're not hurting me, I'm not learning. If I'm not learning, then what are you doing here? He only gave you to me to make me stronger. To be an irreplaceable piece or two of my puzzle, to be a very special shade of colour in my coloring book. You're only here for the mark.

    That's right. It hurts me like you can't believe, but I don't think you're in my forever. Not in the way we hoped. You'll be there -- across the globe, across the computer screen, across the telephone lines. But the only way you'll ever be with me in physical is through the scars you'll give me. Forever and ever.

    But you know where forever can be found? Over there. Right there, can you see it? It'll be hard to reach, but yeah. Sure as gold it's there. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, of course. That's where forever is, after all. At the end of the rainbow. And that's where we'll both go, right? We'll take a cross-kingdom trip to look for that legendary pot of golden forevers.

    I'm wondering though: Will the trip be worth it? Out of this kingdom of reality into our dreams, we may or may not be successful. If we fail, we can always return. And I promise you nothing will be the same by the time we get back. The wounds of when I tried to launch myself off a rooftop into the stars, the blindness of staring at the sunset, hoping it would pity me and take me around the world when it goes. That's all we'll find when we wake up. We'll find an ocean of I Told You So's, and pitying It's About Time You Woke Up glances.

    Yeah, that's all that's gonna happen. Do you still want to go? Would you still treasure the glass slipper he slid onto your foot if you found out he didn't have such a perfect life for you? Would happily ever afters still exist for you?

    Well, yes. Yes, I can see forever right there. And yes, I will climb one side of the rainbow and slide down the other like a child to find that pot of golden forevers. And yes of course, I'll take you with me. Yes, we'll share forever between us if and when we find it. And yes, even if we don't find it, the trip will still be worth it because, well, you were there with me. So yes, I would still want to go try. Yes, I would still treasure the slipper, because that glass of mine will reflect light onto his dark life. And yes, we will live happily ever after.

    Yes, yes, and yes, love. I promise you all of those.

    As for those scars, don't worry about it. Scars are only there because the wounds have healed. And if you're worried about the scars, then it means you survived long past the wounds. That means you've been there longer than you should have, and that means that maybe, just maybe, you're in my forever after all.

    And by the way. I'll never hate you.

    Bye.



    Love, me.