Kidnapped

• Artist: zoul_jin
• Description: do not read if woozy or get tearyeyed easily.
• Date: 12/12/2008
• Tags: thebigstab

My name is jose.Iam going to tell you a story that may leave you breathtaking.

It was a nice day and my best freind Ness and i were playing in my pool. When we heard a crash.Not a regular crash a loud crash that frightened both of us.As we went to go see who it was our house was being robbed.We didn't know what to do so we ran after them.As we were trying to see what he took he stabbed me in my arm.Luckily Ness was there or i would be dead right now.

Ness was trying to stop my bleeding when a guy named John,my next door neighbor came out.He saw what was happening and idmediatlly saw what was happening.He called 911 and when they gotthere they got the dude,who was actually a freind of my dad's and gave us back what he took.You may be asking what he took well i'll tell you.

What he took was my father's box which he cept his and my mom's jewlery.You may not believe me but its the truth.

Comments

[Leonora Maietta]

*If you have trouble, use a dictionary or seek help through the forums. But as I said, has potential if more effort is put in

[Leonora Maietta]

When I read this, I can see it has the potential to be a great story if a lot more effort is put in to it.

When writing a story you need to put more detail in it. For example saying that it was just a 'nice day' you should try explaining how it was a nice day. Going in to depth makes a much more interesting story.
Putting spaces after full stops and using the correct spelling is essential and a bit of dialog in it as well would make it a much better read.
If you have trouble use

[Kowai Kurai]

Quote:

KitCatbartender - 12/14/2008

that was not a well-written story at all. if you want people to take you seriously, here's a hint; put a space after your bloody periods!

If you're going to tell people to use the correct punction then I advise you to do so yourself; have you not heard of capital letters?

[Kowai Kurai]

It may not be written well, but still KitCatbartender and iseemoney are being too harsh; it's good to talk about things like that with people, no matter which way you choose or who it is you're talking to. It must have been quite scary and you're lucky to have a friend who's willing to stick by you even in that sort of situation. ^-^

But onto my rating I'm going to have to give it 1/5 since your punctuation was bad, there was quite a few spelling mistakes and your title doesn't fit. ^^;

[iseemoney]

Learn how to spell. And I hate that story!

[KitCatbartender]

that was not a well-written story at all. if you want people to take you seriously, here's a hint; put a space after your bloody periods!