• ~ Life the beginning which leads to death ~


    Sitting at my office at work, listening to the rumble of the air conditioning the only other sound besides the roaring of engines passing the state highway from the window behind me, the only thoughtsIcan muster upat the moment are sad and depressing mostly to do with dying or just plain giving up on life itself and run behind my covers to sleep until the dayI rot. It seems that every day I always get bad news, it's like the new epidemic. I can only dream of a day where I wake up and everything clicks, no hectic workday but all peacefull, and of course get a big fat check in my hands. But nooo.....all I get is my boss telling me of another thing I should improve upon, if only my memory served me right. And angry custumers yelling at me because my installer hasn't arrived yet to their house to replace their dang windsheild. It's not like I can do anything other than call my installer and say to hurry up. But in the end it's always my fault, I should have estimated the arrival times better, I should have organized the schedule perfectly. Sure like I can, especially with the economy this bad were lucky to even have jobs.




    But other than the fact that my job is as unpleasant as, eating glass. My family life is a whole other story. Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and leave to another state and forget every face I've seen in my life time. Amnesia seems blissfull at the moment. My unstable life hasn't changed much since I was little, I can testify to that.

    ~ * ~


    My brain has blocked out most of my childhood and now I can only remember faint events that passed from infancy to about the age of 7. I remember when my dad and mom used to live with each other and get into hot tempered fights, that would bring police intervention, and the fights would usually beabout someone cheating at cards, or was it checkers?This beingone of the last memories I have of my mom and dad together since the divorce. I was only about 3 at the time.I also remember being my bigbrothers shadow, I'd go everywhere with him. He'd play a game of "Terradactyl and Friends" with some dinosuar toys and pony's we had. We'd stack to child chairs on top of each other for the house and we'd even sing a theme song before we played what we considered a television show.
    I remember the day my Aunt and cousins came up from mexico when my mother was about to give birth to my sister Cassandra. I was seven at the time and was oblivous to anything pertaining to my mother, since my only concern was what would be the next game my brother and I would play. A few weeks later we were to move away, making our journey from San Diego to a little unbeknowest dot in the map called San Jacinto. My mother's story was that she wanted tolive closer to my uncle Jesus, yes the litteral translation from spanish, But I later found out it was because of some debt she had and she was trying to get away from my sisters father, who had a bad habit of kidnapping his own kids when he felt the need to be fatherly. So ended up growing up in this god-forsaken place which to my dread am still living here.
    When we moved here we stayed with my uncle Jesus until they fought, which by now you'll start to notice a pattern of fights pertaining to my mother. It was a big argument ending up with my uncle choking my mother and all three of us; my mother, brother, my sister and myself left that house to a friends until we could find our own place. When we finally did I had missed Half a grade of 3rd and my brother of 6th. Yet I don't know by what miracle, I passed the 3rd grade anyways.
    Life than began to be difficult to me at that stage in life once the whole childish ignorace faded into oblivion. I began to realize things and see the world with open eyes. Since my mother was always working my sister would have a babysitter until we got home from school. Than it was a job all up to me to feed and change her diapers. Egh, even the memory to this day makes me want to gag. She ate way to much so when she did her "business" it was packed and falling out of the sides of her diaper. Not the most pleasant of memories.Since my brother never felt like cleaning he'd force me to clean the house. And when I refused he'd get a bit violent throwing me against countertops and what not. In the end I'd be washing the dishes standing on a chair to reach the sink. But I never could hate my brother I have always taken pride in him. He was always thinking up new things to do like ponds in the backyard for the toads who would come to visit. Or even making a barbie house out of cardboard boxes which was so unique in style,it even was two story with stairs leading up. Unfortunately I wasn't a barbie fan. I hated dolls, they scare me even today. And what I've heard from my mother I tried lighting them up with fire underneath my bed when I was really little. InsteadIlit my own head on fire.
    During the period of 4th to 6th I can't tell you much of what I remember of my sister other than the diaper incident or the one time she fell with a pen in her hand and almost pierced her eye. I must of have blocked out those memories with time and even now continue to block out even more memories of her since we haven't exactly got along all that well. What I do remember is the main adventures of school.
    I can still recall my first two best friends Amber and Jazmin. What a trio we were Amber being the rebellious one, Jazmin being the more quiet of the two, and me being the crazy wierd one of the pack. Boy did we pull some stunts together, sneaking food in from class, Amber stealing a book from the library sale. Which she tried pinning on me when we got angry at eachother one time. I still remember how it all started. I had just been dropped off from the bus at school in the morning and I happened to notice the library was having a sale. It wasn't that cold that morning so I was holding my jacket in my arms when I walked in and saw Amber. She was looking at one of the books on the shelf. She had her dirty blonde hair in a ponytail, and was wearing her regular skirt/shorts on. She turned around and saw me and ran over excitedly and pulled me over to the diary with a locket she was looking at.
    "Hey Hanah, isnt this cool? I want it?" she said
    "Well buy it."
    "Hanah let me see your jacket."
    "Why?" I asked but handed to her anyways. She placed the diary in the jacket and ran out the front door. I was in shock at the moment and just stood there in stunned silence. Snapping out of that I ran after Amber.
    "What are you doing I yelled?" as i was catching up to her.
    "This is called stealling duh." she said in typical manner. Her grey blue eyes sparkling.
    I was raised with high morals but she was my friend so and I'm ashamed to say I felt a rush at that moment because It was our secret now that of course we were going to share with jazmin. So during lunch time the three of us sat down underneath one of the trees in the green area and we all wrote our names in the diary. I cannot remember what nonsense we wrote in it, but I do remember we didnt have it that long until the arguement. In maybe two or three days we'd sit down and write in it but one of those lunch periods me and Amber got into disagreement and I threatened to tell the principle, she threatened to tell on me as well. Jazmin who remained quiet just sat there staringat us pleadingly with her dark brown eyes compared to her skin for us to stop. We didn't,We both started racing towards the principles office, we kept looking at each other as we raced across the distance. When we finally reached our destination, there was a tumult of yelling from the both of us.
    "She stole this diary"
    "She's the one who put it in her sweater"
    "NO, I didn't!!!! You did."
    In the end Amber got three days suspension while I recieved a days worth for being an accomplice. Man, Ican sure remember the pain I recieved when I got home and my mother found out about the diary. She gave me a whooping I have long to forget. She left me purple on the rear and near deaf in the ear from all her clamoring of morals she gave me. After that day I was never really that close to Amber anymore so I began to be closer to Jazmin, besides we had a lot more in common she came from a hispanic house hold allthough she didnt speak spanish and I very little. And it surprised her to know that I was part mexican since the only thing mexican about me is my taste in food. And the fact that my brother and sister were actually coffee toned skin unlike the porcelain color of my skin.