• “Love… is much more painful in reality.”

    I’m just lying here in my bed, staring at the ceiling, contemplating about my life choices. Sometimes, I wish I could’ve done things differently. I just wish…. to undo that time. But unfortunately I can’t. It’s impossible. I just wish things could’ve been different. Then maybe, just maybe, it won’t be painful.

    I laughed bitterly, nothing could change it. I took off my glasses and tears suddenly kept on flowing out of my eyes. I laughed some more. Pathetic. I am pathetic. Why can’t I be more courageous? Why can’t I have the confidence to do what I should have done? I…. love her. So much……

    Before, they said that I’m the cool, calm and collected type. Once upon a time, I was like that. But now, this is my reality. A broken man, who let his cowardliness and fear overpower him, doing something he’ll deeply regret. Hurting the person he loved the most, and in the process, hurt himself more.

    I really want to apologize about that time. I really want to. I really, really do. But then why, why can’t I do it? I told myself that time that I’ll apologize, and then maybe, just maybe, she won’t push me out of her life. That supposed day turned to days, weeks and months. Before I knew it, six years has already passed. I tried going to her house, but she wasn't there. They said that she’s gone away. It’s already too late. Why!? Why!?

    I thought to myself that time, ‘Aren't God supposed to be merciful? Why can’t he let me see her? I just want to see her one last time. I wanted to apologize but He doesn't want that to happen. Damn!’

    But as the rivers of time flow on by, I've realized that maybe it’s something I have to atone to. I wanted to apologize, but why are they stopping me?

    I sat up, the bed creaking slightly; I looked at the window from the wall high up. I laughed again, this time I just remembered. She can’t just forgive me just like that. She hated me. But I genuinely loved her. I really do. Even until now. That’s why it’s so unfair! Please let me be with her, I just want to apologize; I just want to say that I love her, for one last time.

    God is merciless. He reveled in the pain of others. There really is no God. They were right. I fell down my bed again, this time I screamed her name as loud as I could. I told her I love her so, so much. I just wish that it would reach her. It would reach her right? Right up in heaven? That’s where she is by the way, or she was supposed to be. I love her, that I do, sir and/or ma’am. I love her so much that I've become possessive.

    It’s a normal thing right? We humans are known for being possessive at one point in our lives. I love her you see, but then I saw her with somebody else. That someone is not me. I love her so bad.

    Weeks after that one nasty little happening, I confronted her about it. Naturally she denied but that friend of hers just wants to say ‘Hi!’, “but that person is very intimate with you!” but that won’t do. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it. b*****d! He spends more nights with her. I’m getting more and more paranoid each night, thinking one scenario to another, each one getting worse and worse until it made me sick. So sick that I took the meat cleaver from its hiding place, and so I waited for her to come home. The very moment she got home, I hacked her. I hacked her so good, blood just kept on gushing out of her body.

    But by the time I got to my senses, she’s already dead. Her body mangled in to pieces by my own hand. I can’t believe I did this, and so I killed myself. But I still want revenge. You’re very familiar….

    I’m getting closer…. turn around now.