• Vampire Chickens
    from
    Hell












    Author: Tolerable Nonsense
    Chapter 1
    The Beginning

    One day in the modern world, a normal chicken turned into a rebel, his best friend went to ‘The House’. ‘The House’ was an animal nickname for this Slaughterhouse. This chickens name was Roger. Roger was furious and so were all the other barnyard animals, for Rogers’s best friend was named Paul by the other animals because had no other known name. He influenced all the barnyard animals to fight against ‘The House’ only a few years ago, they fought and fought; ‘The House’ is only a few rickety nails holding a few mouldy planks and a roof made of twigs, and a Great Big Buzz Saw. It used to look like a great place, with polished tiles for a roof, steel walls and still it had the same Great Big Buzz Saw, but after a ruthless fight the animals put dents everywhere, including in the farmers nose, and he just could not afford for repairs. The animals called the buzz saw the GBBS, it was just a guess and a bit of time passing, but they didn’t realise it standed for Great Big Buzz Saw. Now, Roger was Paul’s successor, if set to something Roger didn’t stop until his last breath. ‘I am taking my leave to find the Legendary Vampire Chickens from Hell to show these humans that we are not just slaves or their dinner!’ Roger said, all of his fellow animals gasped. Too bad for the farmer who was asleep the roosters gasp sounds like ‘c**k-a-doodle-doo!’ so the farmer got up and did everything, until he noticed it was pitch black, in that sense he went back to bed leaving half the crops still standing,. Every animal gasped except for 7, a beautiful white thoroughbred horse called Mick, a donkey called Patrick, a know-it-all stubborn duck called Donald, a confused hippo, that had wings and could fly but wasn’t meant to be there and had no idea what was going on, called Fred, a goat named Murray, a daring dairy cow called George, a rabbit that came from a distant land (China) that could bite off people’s heads whose name was Lulu, and they agreed to go with him, that was the troop, they called themselves : The Sharpie Squad.





    Chapter 2
    Lunch!

    When the 8 set off Roger and Lulu were nearly squashed by a massive garbage bag that fell out of a garbage truck, Mick got chased down by the police who thought he was a runaway and Fred got drunk with other drunken people at a bar, the rest were being good little animals. When Roger got everyone back to their original plan they got lost... again. Once Roger got the map the right way up they set off in search of the Legendary Vampire Chickens from Hell. Fred flew up and scouted for any confused people or children who wanted a ride on Mick, and then decided to poo on him. When all was clear, a coke bottle fell down from a plane and hit Murray on the head, they all praised it, well except Murray, they decided to keep it as a good luck sign, the person who dropped it got annoyed, because he was with an eco-friendly group of psychiatrists. Later on he was kicked out for dropping it and not telling them. Patrick talked too much on the way to the border, he was a bit excited, ‘Shut up you stupid arse!’ said Donald, then they saw a big red building with a yellow ‘M’ that was somewhat curved, and Fred broke the ceiling down, ‘Would you like fries with that?’ asked the redhead teenager with hair in his eyes, freckles all over and was extremely bored. ‘Yes’ Fred burped out and stole all the fries and Burgers, entering the shop across the road that had a big 3D plastic picture of an old dude on the sign was Lulu and Roger. Lulu decided to have lunch, she just waltzed lovingly inside, somebody was about to pet Lulu, when that very person got their head chomped off, and a little bit of fingers nibbled off, as she could only bite off people’s heads easily, which is sort of weird. The whole content of the restaurant stared, Roger walked in and squawked and they all ran out, jumped out of the window, or just faked death, it was these people who Lulu had a little afternoon snack on. They all ate happily, Roger, who insisted on not cannibalising, had the vegetarian meal, it consisted of beef, beef, beef, and a little leaf of lettuce.




    Chapter 3
    The Ninja Cat of Doom

    When the 8 set off they struck extreme inconvenience, they struck, the one, the only, Ninja Cat of Doom! They ran, they dashed, and Fred somehow got more confused than before. The Ninja Cat of Doom was a black cat that could fly through the air and strike a truck, send it flying and make it go “KA-BLOOMY” and walk off like nothing happened and do that just for fun. The Ninja Cat of Doom was named... Oliver. The Sharpie Squad were scattered. Oliver liked this, he ran around on trucks and looked everywhere until he saw Fred, and then an Arc like kick aimed for Fred was hit! But the kick went into the immense fat of Fred’s stomach and Oliver, The Ninja Cat of Doom, was sent flying to Hungary ‘I’ll be back!’Oliver said in a somewhat robotic way, and then got suspiciously hungry. Patrick was the first to see it, a hot dog stand... well, he wasn’t the first to see what was meant to be seen, and Donald saw the Border first. Fred was first to get there, and first to destroy, and get past everything. ‘Sorry mate, he’s a bit crazy today’ said Roger to the Guard guarding the post he was on, the Guard didn’t notice it was a chicken talking to him. But the Guard was too scared to get up until two days later.













    Chapter 4
    The Borderlands

    Once the Sharpie Squad reached the Borderland, which were dusty and had no roads whatsoever they were a little confused, because on one side there was a sign saying “Path to doom and destruction” pointing to a place with rare and exotic flowers, the sun had a creepy kind of nice smile, and there was a beautiful rainbow in the pale blue sky above, and a wide spread of clean grass below. Whilst the other one said “Path to Super Happy Fun Fun Land” which had a mighty crashing storm and broken trees everywhere, and didn’t seem happy, but had hopes for fun, as it was going downhill and they could just ride the trees down happily. They could not decide, they were set as traps, the shiny nice patch led to a killer wolf that had superwolf powers and was incredulously powerful and could not be taken down by knife or hand or chainsaw, and was called Henry, but the stormy path led to the end of the Borderlands and out to their next destination. They chose the path with the storm because they wanted to ride the trees, and Mick wanted to show off his speed. ‘Woo-hoo!’ they all shouted as they went down at extreme speeds except Mick, he was wheezing try to keep up. As they went down on the logs, they saw something; it looked like... a big nuke heading straight for them. Donald went off like mad screaming and shouting, Roger tried to calm everyone down, and Lulu, well she thought it was a head, and kept jumping up and up to try and get it, but failed miserably. Just then a monkey flew itself at it, the nuke exploded, with a tiny bang and a small sizzle, it was useless and Donald felt embarrassed. When the monkey landed they asked for its name ‘My name is Ethelbert, I am a Kamikaze Monkey from Outer Space, and I am a female not an It’ said Ethelbert ‘Would you like to join us in our quest to find the Legendary Vampire Chickens from Hell!’ asked Roger, Ethelbert accepted, and so the Sharpie Squad gained a new member, ally, and maybe another doofus. Everyone was happy with the female kamikaze monkey from outer space called Ethelbert joining The Sharpie Squad. Ethelbert knew the way out, but the killer wolf awoke and was running straight for the exit. They hopped on the logs and went down slower and talked. ‘There is a killer wolf on the other path, it is Invincible and could throw anything at least 500,000,000Km’ Ethelbert said ‘So he’s strong?’ asked George who was very curious about this wolf, and wanted to see to it that the wolf died, which was nearly thoroughly impossible. As they went down Roger did something amazing, ‘Meow’ meowed Roger. They were all amazed at his awe-inspiring imitation. As soon as the Henry the wolf heard that ‘Meow’ he charged at the Sharpie Squad. Roger and the other 8 were going faster and faster, then Henry the killer wolf appeared ‘I heard a cat’ barked Henry. Henry was standing in between 2 trees that were side by side, as they approached Henry got sturdier, and when they got to those 2 trees he was squashed, bashed, and wolf soup. ‘Snap!’ said George who didn’t expect that. As they walked along there was something eerie and weird about the forest they were in ‘This place gets weirder and weirder’ said Ethelbert who just tripped over tree that was standing upwards in a stiff position.



















    Chapter 5
    Gangsters

    As the sharpie squad came to a halt at an intersection at the end of the forest. ‘Where do we go?’ asked Patrick the donkey. ‘I don’t know...’ said Roger, none of them did know. They had a picnic instead, and later on after they had finished all their food and packed up the picnic, some gangsters had gotten them and taken them away to their hideout. ‘This will be a great feast!’ said one of the goons. As they carried them all away, some were forced to walk as most of the gangsters were trying to heave Fred back to their secret hideout that most people knew about... The gangsters had a website for it.
    When they arrived at the perfectly placed beach hideout under the sand, it looked like it was from the future or something ‘Where’s the plasma ray?’ asked Murray ‘In the backroom’ said Ethelbert who was scanning everything in every room of the hideout with a crazy gizmo from space she brought with her. ‘It was a rhetorical question’ muttered Murray who was annoyed being unable to ask a rhetorical question with Ethelbert around. When they looked out they saw a massive television and could just reach the ‘ON’ button, they pushed it and started watching some random shows. ‘Yeah!’ They shouted in unison as the Dragons beat the Sea Eagles in an NRL match, it ended after all the commentators finished chattering on about how good the game was and everything and them things.
    Later on they got their dinner and were moderately happy, except Lulu who had a steel chain thing that stopped her from opening her mouth very wide so she could barely chew anything. ‘Ugh! This is so annoying!’ Lulu shouted. Suddenly like they were timing it, the gangsters burst through the door the second the sharpie squad finished their dinner and then they realised they were being fattened up for the gangsters ‘feast’ but as the leader of the gangsters reached out to get one of them for the entree A shovel nosed shark spiralled through the only barred window in the room and hit him square in the face, then Ethelbert and Lulu – who didn’t know what was happening, as usual – took up a karate position and all the goons ran off leaving the leader unconscious and also leaving the door open, and the Sharpie squad left gracefully bowing like they were on the red carpet and were getting their picture taken by paparazzi. When they got out the beach was practically abandoned so they went for a dip in the ocean and finished that day happily at the beach.
    Chapter 6
    Chad

    ‘That beach party was great!’ said George ‘Yeah that was epic!’ said Roger. They walked through a lush forest and had come to a flat landscape with the exception of hills filled with flowers and grass and as they walked along Donald disappeared. ‘Hey Donald... HEY DONALD! Donald’s gone!’ said Lulu who had been warming up to Donald in the past week. They searched and searched and they couldn’t find anything. Every one of the Sharpie Squad agreed they could hear a distant ‘I’m down here!’ that sounded a lot like Donald’s voice, they eventually found a wide open hole and figured he fell down it. They pondered for hours thinking of a safe way to get to Donald. ‘Hey look a staircase!’ said Mick, they all ran up with all their speed and might and they got to the top and found they were in heaven. ‘Wait staircases go up, we shouldn’t have come up here...’ said Ethelbert ‘Yeah, but at least we found the Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin would be so proud!’ said Murray they were annoyed at their waste of time and gloomily trotted down in shame. When they reached the bottom they found a fireman’s pole which was there when they went up the stairway. ‘Hey why didn’t we just go down here in the first place?’ said Patrick. They all clambered down in a rush to be first in and nearly pushed them all down and maybe render themselves unconscious which would end up in a total mess. When they had all reached the floor of this dungeon and dusted their shoulders off the Sharpie Squad walked to the next room and jumped out a skeleton. ‘Company, yay!’ said the skeleton, they jumped back in fright and in the mess one of them kicked the skeletons head off the edge which seemed like it just fell into eternal darkness. After they searched the body to look for a map, they found some speech cards and a tag saying “Touring Guide”. ‘Great... He was our map that will put us back quite a bit’ said Ethelbert. They continued on nevertheless in search of their friend Donald. When they finally reached the end after about half an hour and there was Donald sitting in the middle of the room staring at them and he was really angry and annoyed it took them so long to find him, they walked up to him cheerfully. ‘Wait, that was too easy...’ said Lulu, and sure enough it wasn’t. Out jumped a ferocious looking horse with fire where the mane and tail were meant to be and has a deep black hide as its skin with a stare that almost imitates the infamous Medusa’s, this was a Nitemare. ‘Hey... I’m Chad’ said the Nitemare ‘I found this stubborn duck here that wouldn’t take my offer to go out saying you would come. And here you are!’ He seemed harmless, could he be trusted? Yes the Sharpie Squad agreed on it, he could be trusted. In the end when they got out of the dungeon Chad took them to the next destination they needed to go to, a beautiful azure blue ocean. Chad gave them his own personal, Brown Submarine, signed by every member of the all famous band “the Dung Beatles”. They thanked Chad for his assistance in riding most of the Squad there and then they got in the submarine and wished him farewell and goodbye.




















    Chapter 7
    Submarine Trip

    As they were under the sea some got nauseous and occasionally, luckily their new submarine had a toilet that went to the sewers of Manhattan somehow seeing as though it was a submarine, under the sea. ‘Hey look it’s the Beatles chilling in an octopus’ garden!’ said Patrick in awe as they passed by ‘Wow you’re right!’ they all said as the octopus was sucking most of the blood from the Beatles bodies. As they were leisurely drifting in the submarine they noticed some cool things and a shark knocked into the little submarine, then a real army submarine at least 10 times the size of the Sharpie Squads little cosy submarine crashed into their submarine and the Sharpie Squads little submarine got a big dent into it and a crack appeared. Nothing an entire roll of duct tape couldn’t fix. When they submerged a pelican swooped down to get some of the exquisitely delicious fish and its beak got stuck on the roof with a big ‘Bang!’ ‘Did you hear something?’ asked Roger ‘probably nothing...’ As all of the beautiful species of the ocean were whisked away, they found a colour changing remote for the submarine; they agreed to change it to red. The sharks were swarming around thinking there was food to be had. ‘AAAAAAHHHH!’ screamed everyone except Donald ‘Oh they look cuddly’ Donald said gleefully. After the episode with the sharks they changed it to blue, which almost camouflaged the submarine, which didn’t stop whales eating it, and fishes swarming around it causing even more species of speeding sharks smashing into the hub of the ship. As they neared the end of the ocean they were blinded by a garbage disposal polluting the ocean with rubbish and things that pollute other things. They luckily steered out of control the right way, they were going the complete wrong way before, and it seemed fate was smiling upon the Sharpie Squad, sadly the garbage disposal wasn’t and it was uncleanable. As they got on land the submarine sunk down to Davy Jones locker, and crushed all his books so he had to buy them all again along with getting the money for the school to get back his locker. ‘Ah, Fresh air, I missed it for a while.’ Said Lulu happily as they set up a camp and rested for the night, they had a long way to go in the morning, and they hadn’t slept for the other part of the story so they were sleepier than a koala, and koalas are pretty sleepy!


    Chapter 8
    Legion of Crazy Grandmas

    As the Sharpie Squad were trekking through the jungle, on which they landed the submarine, to their next destination they came to a clearing. A Big Green One. It was extremely big. And as they walked out they saw something out of the ordinary, something so extraordinary it looked almost normal. A black Harley Davidson motorbike with spray-painted flames on it, with a neat little brown leather bag sitting on the handles. But on the seat sat an old lady of about 154 or so. The Sharpie Squad walked away laughing hysterically about the old lady and the Harley Davidson, then they realised they were in the middle of a jungle, the old ladies were obviously assassins or mercenaries. They started running, which alerted the women who started riding swiftly towards them, from all around them the old ladies were coming out of the bush towards them, they ran the opposite direction, more old women came out. This kept happening until they were completely surrounded and cornered and in their kung-fu stance, which did not help. Out of the legs of the grandmas came a single little black cat, the Ninja Cat of Doom. ‘You!’ said Roger. ‘Me, what about me? Oh yes, ‘tis I the Ninja cat of doom, Oliver! Well, I did say I’d be back didn’t I?’ said Oliver. ‘Yeah he did’ said Donald. ‘Without further ado, Grannies, attack! Destroy! Whatever!’ said Oliver As the Grannies attacked, destroyed and whatever, a stolen army helicopter came overhead and a giant ice cube shaped in the exact shape as the granny army, a decagon, and gruesomely squished them, including Oliver... Hopefully. ‘Stuff gods! We have pimply teenagers!’ shouted Patrick triumphantly. As they walked away they considered their luck and then sung another one bites the dust, by Queen as they walked into the horizon into the other side of the jungle clearing and traipsed through the rest of the jungle.






    Chapter 9
    Awakening

    As the sharpie squad were traipsing through their jungle destination, they, well at-least Ethelbert, noticed a slight radiation about 2 kilometres away from them. They quickened their pace, all running, Fred ran into a tree which set them back. ‘What the hell man! Why did you run into me!?’ shouted the angry tree, the Sharpie squad bowed their heads in shame as it rambled on. ‘That really hurt you know, you weigh, what, 1,000,000 kilos?! Now scat before I make you!’ The sharpie squad walked off in shame after the shouting and rambling had finished. ‘Oh no he didn’t!’ shouted Donald. As they walked on the glow emanating in the distance became closer and closer until they were standing in front of it, the holy grail of animals, the Vampire Chickens from Hells release or just a big rock. None of them cared, it summoned the chickens!
    ‘I never thought we would actually reach it!’ said Roger ‘So we walked half way across the world, got attacked by a crazed ninja cat TWICE, gone up and down the stairway to heaven for nothing, killed a skeleton, gone through disgustingly polluted waters, escaped crazy old ladies and you were doubting that we would even reach it!? I’m disappoint—Ooh bread!’ Screamed Donald then picked up the bread and ate it quietly. While Donald ate the bread Roger touched the stone, the glow died out, ‘Well that was disappointing’ Said Lulu ‘Tell me about it’ said Ethelbert. Then suddenly the glow exploded, and the rock emitted fog, fog, and more fog. Shadows appeared, ‘We are the Vampire Chickens from Hell’ they all said in unison. ‘Really?’ asked Roger. ‘Nah we’re just messin’ with ya’ the leader said ‘Thanks for freeing us anyway’. So they walked over to the other glowing rock and the latest bit of this chapter happened again except now they were the Vampire Chickens from Hell. The sharpie squad all gasped, they had done it, they had freed them, and animals would never be killed again! And then one of the Chickens farted and broke the mood. ‘Sorry guys, 1000 years in a rock really works up the gas!’ exclaimed the chicken ‘Hey guys don’t we need to give them a wish or something?’ asked a different chicken ‘Yeah we do’ said another chicken glumly. So the sharpie squad made the wish (to all animals from the grasps of mankind) and the Vampire Chickens from Hell were forced to obey the order. The Vampire Chickens from Hell split up and went to each country in the world to negotiate, then purposely destroy the negotiation and start a fight and take over the world and force peace on the world.
    Chapter 10
    The end

    As the Vampire Chickens from Hell were patrolling everywhere around the Earth, making sure all was peaceful, the Sharpie Squad were returning to the barnyard to gloat about their triumphant victory. They entered the barn and they were cheered on. ‘How did you survive?’ asked Lulu ‘Did you finally send him to hospital?’ ‘Yeah we did, it was sooo awesome!’ said one of the other animals. While everyone was partying Roger was sitting on his own, he was thinking about Paul and how he would have been so proud. Roger was glad to have known Paul. All was ending properly, Lulu finally confessed how much she liked Donald, they got married 2 months after and had a weird cross between rabbit and duck, all the animals trashed the GBBS together, Ethelbert left again and animals and humans all lived as one. All was happier, except vegetables and people who loved meat and they lived happily ever after.
    Until the humans ran out of bird seeds, that was really bad for them.





    The End


    I am awesome.