- Walking with my mom to the grocery store I see upon the streets people are talking, selling, and shouting. But I just saw a moment that everything went black. Where am I? Then suddenly Im standing next to a pile of people I asked myself "Wats Going On?' When suddenly I see someone carrying a body and people in tears, but then I see my mom crying and suffering. "MOM". She didnt even look at me. Then suddenly I got a peek on the body... It was me! Cant believe it! What just happen to me. "Am I dead"
- by xX_HooLlyWoOd-StAr_Xx |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 07/13/2010 |
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- Title: Am I dead?
- Artist: xX_HooLlyWoOd-StAr_Xx
- Description:
- Date: 07/13/2010
- Tags: dead
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Comments (5 Comments)
- xX_HooLlyWoOd-StAr_Xx - 07/17/2010
- tell me do i suk
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- jollyrancher56 - 07/17/2010
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(PM: Found your post :p)
Well it didn't suck entirely, it can be improved and saved before your work shrivels up and dies! The horror! You can save it, definitely, just take my advice and continue on after fixing a few things. smile - Report As Spam
- xX_HooLlyWoOd-StAr_Xx - 07/17/2010
- that means that it sucked did it right???
- Report As Spam
- jollyrancher56 - 07/15/2010
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Some criticism: don't repeat phrases, even words too closely together. Examples being the phrase "then suddenly," and the word itself - "suddenly." Writing out of a sudden instant in time, no need to remind the reader.
BUT I think you should continue your writing, just to make sure if you are really dead after all :p - Report As Spam
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