• Now I am 14.

    I remembered the voices. All but the one that was gone. I remember the faces. But, the one that was taken away. I rememeber so much but it was still so little compared to others knowledge. My cousin was gone.

    I know it was rare we got a chance to spend time more than a weekend or to. But, still it was sudden. He was so young.

    Death hit me in the face hard. I am pretty sure I heard it laughing with me. Yes, with me. I was laughing too. The irony of it all. I am in pain. But, I am alive. He is at peace. But, he is gone. Wake up. He is gone. Go back to sleep. He is gone. Everybody will one day be gone. It feels like a torture. You will loose everything someday. But, you aren't told on what day.

    Had I known. One of those empty promises again. Had I known, then what would I have done?

    I didn't grieve one day because the sun came out. But, I laughed when it ran away behind the clouds. Not taking responsibility for what it had taken from me.

    I cried every day. Every night. When nobody was near. At the cousin who I missed who still isn't here. Since it won't bring him back. I will laugh at the few memories. The few jokes. That still hold no voice.

    I don't remember him. But, I love him. He is my family.

    This hurts.

    "Mommy can I sit in your lap?" I asked. She turned and smiled sweetly at me. What if I loose her too? What will I do? What should I do now? I shook off the thoughts that keep coming back because of this.

    "You know you are too old and too big to be sitting in my lap? Right?"

    "Of course I know. But, I still say your lap is comfy." I said with my usual charasmatic sarcasm. She snickered and we watched Criminal Minds.

    We don't watch CSI as much. The original one. It isn't the same with the original or should I say classic actors either being killed off. Scared off or just plain being so mean to viewers like me and leaving. No offense to the new ones. But, it is not the same.

    Not the same. Same. But, things change. Time itself is not the same once it passes. Wait yes time is. Well, it is and it isn't. I growled at myself. You are too young to be thinking this through. Stop.

    I do this to myself I lot. I tell myself what to do. But, beleive it or not I am so stubborn I don't even listen to myself. I act like I am and come back to it later. I smiled and the show ended. I got up and kissed my moms cheek and I heard her sigh.

    "I'm not that heavy mom." I say irritably walking up to my room.

    "You ain't that light either." She yelled. I sighed with a smile and did one of the best things in the world. I jumped up and fell on my bed. All the pillows flying up and hitting me in the face. So soft.

    I looked around for my tv remote. I found it. But, darn it. It's across the room on top of the tv. For that I could just walk up and get it. Well, then again I can use some blackmail.

    "Oh, lovely, sweet, adoring, baby brother!" I yell. He runs in with a glare and a straining middle finger. I love that I know he has a D on a test. And once Monday comes he will fix it and it will disappear with the teachers. But, if momma finds out before the end of this weekend. I will finally be an only child again for more than a few years where I wasn't even able to have a chance to remember let alone savor the solitude and attention.

    "You see my remote. Of course you do. Please bring it to me. And I ldo so love you." I sing. He holds back some obviously not nice words and has to use both of his hands as not to just drop the remote in front of me knowing I will yell mom like I was finst to get chopped up by Jason or Michael Meyers while being at Camp Crystal Lake on Halloween.

    "Love ya too sis." he says from rehearsals that I was nice enough to teach. Yes. I am horrible. But, what he doesn't know is that his teacher almost went back on her promise of secrecy and it might have slipped up in a voicemail message. But, as the big sister I am I deleted it. He should be thankfull. I turned the tv on. Saw another of those pity commercials on drunk drivers and turned it back off at the personification of a little girl haunting a grown man. That isn't how a haunting is. Is it? Cause then, what I have, is a curse. I was finst to cry again and turned the tv back on, threw the remote back on my bed and ran to the bathroom to put water on my face. i calmed down and called Jake to see if I could come over.

    "Hey demented child. You alright?" I nodded.

    "You know I can't tell if you nodded through a phone right?" he added after a couple seconds. I may have a tendency to do that alot. I still haven't stopped that smart habit but he was used to the explanation of what my answer was and I would yell. I just nodded! Then, he would add, I am on the other end of a telephone call. I can't see you nodding. Then, he would apologize quickly. Cause even though it is a falt of mine. He knows I hate being told wrong or something of that nature. I laughed and said sorry. But, knowing that would set off suspicion I added a sarcastic remark.

    Of course.

    "Sorry. What color cast do you want for you lungs?" I snarled. I actually snarl. I practiced. And scared the dog that ate my teddy bear.

    I heard him laugh, "Okay. I will call Erik. You call Alice. You sound like you need Mickey D's." McDonald's!

    "And I do! " I yelled happily.

    Maybe I am bipolar. But, what's so wrong about using your emotions to scare people to give you what you want. This is how I grieve.

    I miss you, big cousin. I really do. I wish I knew who you where though. Other than wonderful. I sighed and put on my shoes and my black and white peace hoodie. I grabbed my black sling purse and made sure I had my iPod. I panicked when it was there. Then, I touched my hip and of course. If it isn't in my purse, then it's in my pocket. I walked to my mom told her I was out for the evening and she waved me off.

    But, if only I knew at the loss of one I would gain another.

    Entering stage left. My 4th friend.

    I would like to apologize in advance for what I am about to do today.