• He was mine. Jordan. I knew that from the moment he walked through the classroom door, five minutes late for the first class on the first day of the second semester. I vaguely recognized him from the one day he had come to my youth group. I hadn’t really noticed him then though. He had just transferred over from a different school in the area, and I felt kind of bad for him. I knew what it was like to switch schools, because I had a couple years ago. A couple heads turned to see who was late, mine included. He was tall, over six feet, I speculated. He was built and muscular, which looked strangely appealing on him. I was a bit confused, seeing as I usually wasn’t that attracted by muscle. Usually it was the funny, cute guys who appealed to me, and they didn’t need to be athletic. It wasn’t a requirement for me. As long as they weighed more than me, but weren’t overweight, they were classified dateable in my book. This one wasn’t exactly “hot” but he was good-looking in his own way. In my class, most girls’ definitions of “hot” were tan and blonde blue-eyed basketball players with generic features. He was almost the opposite of that. I instantly knew he was a football player. I could tell by his broad shoulders. If he didn’t play football, maybe he should take it up. Later I learned he also played basketball and soccer, and I was right about football. He was a starter in all of those sports. The black t-shirt he wore was probably a large but still close-fitting enough that it hugged the curves of his chest. I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. He reminded me of a teddy bear. His brown hair was cut in a rather interesting way, I thought. I didn’t think anyone except for him could pull it off. Rather than cutting it short at the ears, it grew over them and flipped out a bit. It made me wonder if he had big ears, but I couldn’t tell because they were almost hidden except for where they poked out under his hair. His nose was straight and rather large, but it looked good on him. If he had a smaller nose it wouldn’t look right with his face. Under brows, darker than his brown hair but not quite black, he had friendly brown eyes, which upon further examination had tiny hints of green in them. Exactly like my eyes. Yes, this boy was mine. I think I knew that deep in my heart when I first saw him. There was just the problem of a different boy. I was still obsessed with him and I had no clue how to free myself from him. My feelings were involuntary, like my heart beats. I could have easier stopped my heart from beating than stopped liking him. I had no idea what I would be like without him. Matt.

    I suppose this episode all began with the Homecoming Dance. I had been waiting for this for a long time. It was supposed to be the Friday of the first week of second semester. I had only known Jordan for four days before it. How was I supposed to know I was destined for him by then? Just to make things more difficult, I was currently infatuated with a different guy who I had liked since the beginning of the year and planned on dancing with him no matter what. And I succeeded. I always succeed, it just always goes a little more south than I planned. I remember it clearly in my mind, my friends telling me to go for it, as I walked up to Matt and asked him if he wanted to dance with me. I remember feeling mixed up as I saw his slight hesitation before he stood up and walked onto the floor with me. I remember it, feeling overjoyed and slightly annoyed at the same time as we revolved on the spot, because of his total indifference to me. He was acting like a robot. He never said anything to me. Was that bad or good? Or was he just thinking? My hands were draped around his neck, and he smelled so good. I didn’t care that he had a thin sheen of sweat on him. He was so warm, which was surprisingly pleasant considering how hot it was on the dance floor. He stepped on my feet and didn’t seem to notice. I thought it was cute, and besides, I was enjoying myself way too much to care. If we were close enough that he inadvertently was stepping on my feet, then that was no problem for me. I remembered the most odd things, like how strong my desire was to lay my head on his chest, which would have been so easy. It was so close. We were only a couple inches apart at most. I looked up at him. He was short by guy standards but I was short for a girl so he still had a good six inches on me. I wanted to hold him closer than I already was. I remember thinking how good we looked together, we were both wearing the exact same shade of blue. I remember other couples circling by and tapping me on the shoulder, giving me thumbs up. I remember looking at the people sitting by the tables, seeing mostly my friends giving me huge grins. I saw Jordan sitting by a table watching me. I never paused to think that maybe he was wishing that he was in Matt’s place. I never thought that maybe I ruined whatever chance I had with him that night, by leading him to think that I liked Matt. Even though I did. Matt’s arms wrapped around my waist felt so good, better than anything I could remember, including various foods. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time. Come to think of it, this was the first time I had danced with a boy. I was only a freshman, yet this was the fourth dance of the year. The time seemed to stand still and then suddenly it was over and seemed like it had gone by in a flash. The lights turned on, it had been the last dance of the night. The clock rang midnight. My fairytale was over. We withdrew our arms from each other and walked off…still not saying anything. I couldn’t believe that I had managed it. I had danced with Matt! But I couldn’t stand that it had gone slightly sour, that my lovely experience was marred by his silence. It made it not as good as I thought it would be to have all my friends swooping down on me and asking for every detail, and then telling me that he definitely liked me. If he liked me, he would have talked, right? I liked him for only a week more. After that night, he totally shut down on me. Even though I had multiple classes with him, and even a couple where I sat right next to him, he didn’t talk to me anymore. I decided it would be best to give up. I wasn’t going to go breaking my heart on someone unattainable who wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings.
    That Sunday, I was supposed to sing a solo in church. After the service, there was supposed to be a congregational potluck dinner. Jordan now went to my church full time. And luck of all luck, Matt and his older brother came to my church that day. I hadn’t been nervous at all until I saw the flash of blue-green eyes and reddish brown hair that was Matt. I realized I had to sing a solo in front of the guy I still had leftover feelings for and who thought I liked him. And if you have ever had someone like you who you don’t have any feelings for at all, or vice versa, you will know and appreciate the awkwardness of the situation. Well, the time came and I sang my solo without any mistakes. After church was done, people started setting up food. Jordan wandered over to talk to me, but I wasn’t paying attention. I saw Matt and his brother exiting the sanctuary. They weren’t staying for the meal; I should have expected that. They didn’t even go to my church. Which made it ironic that they picked today to visit, the day that I had to go sing a solo, make that my first time singing alone, besides in the shower and when no one’s home. Simply put, I don’t sing in front of people. It kind of makes me uncomfortable. And the one time I finally got enough courage to do it, guess who shows up. But he’s gone now, and he never said anything to me. I felt kind of empty. I thought he might tell me I did a good job at least, or something like that.
    I remember looking up to see Jordan walking over. He told me I did a pretty good job, and I remember him saying something about how he could never be up on the stage. His complement made my cold, empty insides start to thaw a little. Loken, Ross, and Samantha, other freshmen from my church, wandered over and started talking also. I remember we all went and got our food, then formed a table of freshmen. Jordan sat next to me. I remember that because I noticed how much food he had. It almost matched how much I had. My friends always made fun of me for the way I ate. They always said that the perfect guy would pack enough lunch for three when going on dates with me. I was just lucky for my high metabolism. Without that I would be a fat blimp. Now, what with soccer season, I weighed a little under 125. A random tidbit I picked up about Jordan was that he weighed a little over 200. I don’t even remember what subject we were on, maybe about weight lifting or football, which I was politely interested in for his sake. But how much he weighed was surprising to me, because he had no fat at all. I supposed that it was a product of muscle, height, and build.
    I was starting to get over him, but the one thing that totally turned me off from Matt was all the sexual comments that the guys made after that dance. If you haven’t realized yet that all guys in high school are perverted, then you really should observe them more, or have good friends who are guys. One such guy-friend was named Collin. My best friends actually came from failed relationships. Collin and I had almost been a thing in the summer, but it just never took off. He abandoned me for my best friend, creating quite a lot of tension, especially between my friend and I. Even though I don’t care anymore, and I can see what a mistake it would have been if we would’ve gotten together, I just never really forgave her for stealing my guy. I think it was a trust factor. If your own best friend will steal from you the guy she knows you like, the guy she has heard you talk about how much you like him for hours on end, then she is a filthy rat who shouldn’t be trusted, in my opinion. Anyways, Collin told me exactly what disgusting things the guys were saying about Matt and I. He told me that certain guys had told Matt he should have “motor-boated me”, said that Matt had “gotten a boner” while we danced, and just in general made fun of how close we had been. I was furious. I felt so exposed that they would blatantly talk about that. Judging from Matt’s reactions, however, in which he just laughed a little and mostly ignored it, he really wasn’t interested in me and was trying to forget as quickly and with as little humiliation from the guys as possible. Collin told me that they guys talked about every girl that way, and it was a bit disconcerting. Couldn’t they be respectful? I guess not. It was kind of depressing though that the only time guys talked about you was to make sexual jokes about you. But anyways, I even heard from different guys, who asked me if I had danced with him, that he had been denying that we had even danced. That was the seal on the deal. If Matt was so embarrassed to have danced with me, then I was totally done with him. It was his own problem if he didn’t like me. He could have said “no.” It would have been kinder than to lead me on. But I decided I didn’t care, so I set out to find myself a new man. I recalled Jordan. Single, gorgeous, athletic, funny.
    Jordan is the most random guy you will ever meet. Everything he does is a quirk. Every dorky thing he does is adorable. He drives illegally, in an old black Chevy pickup with red stripes, and there is a patriotic red, white, and blue ribbon magnet on the back. He is fifteen, has his school permit, but he’s told me that he randomly goes on long drives in the country to think about stuff and just relax.) The keys to this truck he keeps on a red, white, and blue stretchy spiral lanyard that also has the keychain of a purple dinosaur. He loves that thing, and proudly showed it to me during class the first time he had gotten it. I distinctly remember him saying “rawr” to me, which means “I love you” in dinosaur, if I am correct. He texts during class, and then one day asked me why he didn’t have my number. This I didn’t know the answer to, so I gave him my number and he gave me his. That’s when we started texting. At first it wasn’t very much, usually just if I was really bored or had a question about homework.
    But time passed, and I started to grow more attached to him. It wasn’t anything big. There were actually a couple other guys waiting in reserve in case I just decided I didn’t like him. But he stuck with me. One night I woke up, clutching my pillow tight against my body. I couldn’t remember the dream I had but I had a strong instinct that it had been about Jordan. It was one of those things you just know. At youth group we decided to have a lock-in, which became the thing I looked most forward to for a couple weeks. A whole night with my best friends and Jordan, especially?? It seemed to good to be true. It turned out to be one of the best nights of my life.