- “I’ve heard voices for as long as I can remember, ever since I was just a young Elf. If I’d walk through the forest, instead of hearing the usual crunch of leaves underfoot, I’d hear muted screams, and when walking on the prairie grounds, the wind would snake through the long grass whispering my name, “Millia, Millia.” I thought that I was going crazy. I went to talk to Tælric, the druid in our company, thinking he could help. He showed me, in a trance, a “music box” from the future, which at first was another source of trouble, but it played a beautifully haunting melody that sang a story for only my ears. As I grew older, I fought with the Moon’s Shadow, my mercenary company, and if I ever went to loot the bodies of the fallen, I’d hear them whisper to me, tell me who they were, about their families, what they had lost in death. And after those days, I knew that I had to follow the music box’s advice; to make friends with the voices (or the spirits, as the music box called them in song), because if I didn’t, I’d go insane. So now, here I am, sitting on a rotten mossy log, smiling as I listen to the flames sing as I watch them, and tell you my story.”
- by moonxmists |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 03/24/2009 |
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- Title: Narritive - Millia
- Artist: moonxmists
-
Description:
Millia is a character I've been developing for a long time. alot of it hasn't been in writing though =<... enjoy!
- Date: 03/24/2009
- Tags: narritive millia
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Comments (3 Comments)
- -Deathly Destruction- - 05/12/2009
- Oh, and in your story description, it's spelled "a lot", not "alot". It's two words, not one.
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- -Deathly Destruction- - 05/12/2009
- Also, mind your story flow. This reads like a teenager learning how to drive- very jerky and unfamiliar with how to use the brake. Ideas have to fit together and lead a reader, not just be flung together hoping it makes sense. In instances like these, try reading the material out loud to see if it *sounds* right. Sometimes that helps.
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- -Deathly Destruction- - 05/12/2009
- Once again, watch how you use your commas. They are rampant comma splices in the first half of this. Also, instead of "If I'd walk through", it should be, "If I walked through". See the difference in flow? Writing isn't necessarily putting down how you speak on paper- it's looking for a more elegant way of expressing yourself. Don't write how you would normally speak. Write *better* than how you would speak, and don't sacrifice the rules of grammar.
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