• A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

    Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

    MALE PROCEDURE

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.




    next story



    One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

    It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

    The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

    "Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

    "What is this?" Alex asked.

    "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

    Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

    Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"



    another story



    A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

    A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

    The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

    She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

    This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

    So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

    "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

    He lost 63 pounds that week.


    last one



    this guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.

    However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.

    Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"