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Soul Saviors
Book 1: A World of Dreams
By Leo Finut
This is the story of a amnesia struck 16 year old trying to discover a path to his past and a princess trying to find her true mother.
Prologue:
I ran to my neighbors house, Damion, and went in without knocking. “You ready to get the tickets Damion?”
“Yeah man, hold on.”
“Hurry!” He ran to his room upstairs and got some money.
“Alright Zaek, lets go!” We ran out the door and dashed to the line to get tickets for the Circalia brothers. The Circalia brothers let a lucky 2 people do the tightrope walking with them and we were going to play a giant prank if we get chosen. Me and Damion brainstormed for 3 days to come up with the ultimate illusion/trick for the circus. The plan is to have Damion fall off on “purpose” and then have him reappear at his funeral.
“Two tickets to the Circalia brothers, please.” Damion requested.
“You’re in luck, only 2 left. Alright everybody we’re all sold out!”
“Awesome!” I said.
Damion and I ran back to his house and got ready for the circus prank tomorrow. At 9:00pm I went to Damion’s house.
“Damion. Damion!” I whispered loudly.
He opened the door in dark clothes. “Lets go.” We went to the Circalia brothers tent and set up the trick. “Alright it’s set up lets go.” I whispered.
“Wait, hold on.” He moved the mat over a smidge so that it was diagonally set up. “For the roll.” He said.
We ran out and went to our houses.
The Next Morning…
I woke up yawning. “Good morning world! Look out circus!” I went downstairs and ate breakfast. I live alone and no one’s ever really known except for Damion. I went to the couch and sat down, milk spilling on the couch. “Oh well.” I grabbed the remote and turned on the T.V. I turned it to channel 44 and started to watch the news. Now, I don’t like to watch the news, the only reason I watch it is because I like the new weather girl. She’s just so perfect. Beautiful, long, flowing hair, pool blue eyes, and a great yellow peppy suit. After the weather was over I went over to Damion’s house. Damion lives alone too, so once again I barged in without knocking. I technically, am his alarm clock. “Wake up Damion!”
“Huh? Oh hey Zaek.”
“Lets go to the woods now.” Damion and I go to the woods every morning to practice our tightrope walking for the prank.
“Okay, hold on.” He went upstairs and got a mat.
“Good idea. I almost forgot.” We usually wake up around 4:00am so nobody really saw us. We ran to the area set up to practice the tightrope walking. We set it up like this: 2 trees, a tightrope, and a net down at the bottom. Once we got there, Damion dropped the mat down by the ladder made of wood blocks so we can have a light landing if we fall off. I climbed up and almost fell near the top. “Whoaaaaa! That was a close one, huh Damion?’
“Definitely.” We continued to climb until we reached the top. “Lets do this.” I said.
“Lets.” I ran across first to the other side before we did our move. “Ready?” I yelled.
“Yep.”
“1! 2! 3! GO!” We ran across at the same time and then hooked arms, spun around and then jumped up, and then he fell off as planned. “Good rehearsal! Lets do it again!” I yelled.
We rehearsed for hours until it was 7:50pm, 10 minutes until show time. “Hurry Damion or we’re going to miss it!”
“Hold on, hold on I’m coming.” He dashed faster and passed me up.
“If I’m going to speed up, then you speed up!”
“Fine, fine I’m coming now!” I sped up and caught up to him.
“Man! You can run!” I could tell he was shocked.
“Well of course I can if I try.” I got tired once we got there.
“All right! We made it!” Damion exclaimed.
We ran again to the ticket master and handed him our tickets.
“Go right in, it’s about to start.” Once he said that we were already gone. We went to the only available seats, besides 2 seats by a sweaty, old, fat woman.
“Ladies and Gentleman! Welcome to the Circalia brothers circus!” The crowd cheered in excitement, unlike us where in that case we just planned how to get chosen. We figured that if we have luck charms, we could get chosen.
“Now! The
Circalia brothers will now perform! The! Tightrope walking which they will choose 2 lucky people from the crowd to do it with them! Circalia 1 & 2, you may now choose!” They studied the crowd for awhile and then…
“You 2! Come on down!” They pointed to us.
“Alright!” We high-fived each other and ran down to them.
“All right, lets go!” They said.
We caught up with them and got up on the tightrope stand.
“You ready?” I asked.
“Ready!” We ran at the same time on opposite sides, before the Circalia brothers and: hooked hands, spun around and he fell off as planned.
“Oh my gosh!!” The Circalia brothers yelled in unison. I heard the crowd gasp.
“His…His…Purple shirt…All covered in…Blood.” The headmaster sobbed.
“Damion…No.” I acted.
1 Week Later…
I was at his funeral, back in the corner, waiting for the zinger. Of course we had a backup plan if they riot, our plan was to go to this town nearby, quickly and with supplies. That’s why we’re already packed up. I waited and zoned out everything the mourners said and then…BAM!
“I’m baaack!” Damion yelled as he reappeared.
“That’s impossible, he had no pulse!” A doctor said.
“Metal plaaate!” I proclaimed.
“Yes exactly, Zaek and I put a mat down and everything.”
“Then what about the blood?” A mourner asked.
“Duuuh, ketchup.” I said.
“That wasn’t a good trick you guys did, now lets get ’em!” The mourner yelled.
“Just as planned. Lets go Damion!” We zoomed out of there as fast as rain can go and went to the woods. We placed our bags near the edge of the woods near the city, where there are no animals, and we picked them up as we ran and we couldn’t go to the other city because the mourners had notified them that we’re wanted kids. We found a cave close to the supermarket out in the country and decided to stay there until we’re forgotten. I breathed heavily.
“Hurry Damion!” I yelled.
“Phew, I made it!” We sat down and started to chat.
“Soooo, you wanna explore?” I asked.
“Sure.” We went through the cave and discovered an ancient ruin.
“OMG!” I yelled.
“What is this place?”
“It’s an ancient ruin dummy.”
“Well I know that.” I examined the structure in front of us.
“Something’s missing.” I started to think. “I know, look. The circles are different colors, and the gems are different as well, so if we align the colored gems with their colored rings we can open the door in front of us.” I explained.
“Look at the arrows, they must switch the gems to different rings.”
“Yeah it looks like that. Lets give it a shot.” I saw 12 colors. Orange, Red, Blue, Green, Pink, Black, Gold, Silver, Gray, Brown, White and Yellow. I moved Yellow to Pink and Pink to Yellow and then I moved Yellow to Yellow and Red to Pink and Red to Pink and Pink to Pink. I then moved the Blue to the Blue and Orange to Orange to Gray. I moved Gray to Gray and Orange to Orange and so on until I had a complete set. We heard a wall move and we ran up to it. Damion looked into it first. “Aaaaah!”
“What is it?” I yelled.
“It’s a…It’s a…a shadow thing.”
“Lets open it more.” I opened the door more and saw a shadow thing jump up on Damion.
“Damion!”
“It’s consuming me!” I ran over to him and tried to help him get it off. “It’s almost off! Aaaaah!” I got hit by another shadow thing and tried to pull it off.
“Hold tight Damion!”
“Grab hands!” I grabbed his hand and then was finally consumed by darkness.
2 hours later…
One of the shadow things stood up in the form of Damion. “Zepeth zu aser.” Another shadow thing stood up in the form of Zaek. “Dsaret frag dubt ghragsher.” They laughed an evil laugh as the moon was covered by red clouds and smoke.
Chapter 1: Back In Time
I woke up on a beach shore where I saw Damion next to me, asleep. I shook him awake. “Damion! Where are we?” He sat up and looked around. “I don’t know. Maybe some other town?”
“No it doesn’t look like it. Hey look!” I pointed at a sign that read:
Ballasteria
A town that is calm and peaceful.
Festival:
1 Day
“What does it mean “festival?” Damion asked.
“I can answer that.” We turned around and stood up and saw a man.
“Well what does it mean “festival?”
“Festival means the festival that we have every year, the Ballasterian festival of the feast. Anyway, my name is Gene, yours?”
“I’m Zaek.”
“And I’m Damion.” We shook hands and then he asked: “Do any of you want to be in the hunt so we can get the food?”
“Sure I’ll join.” I said.
“Me too.”
“Good, meet me at the big giant site near the woods, where then we will hunt in a team.”
“Okay.” Damion said.
He walked away and then yelled: “You can get a night at an inn if you follow me!”
“Hey lets go, free room!” I said.
We caught up to him and followed him to midtown in the business district.
“All right, the inn is right over there.” He pointed to the inn.
“Cool.” Damuion said.
“Follow me.” Gene said.
We walked into the inn and Gene walked up to the owner.
“2 rooms, sir.”
“Here’s the keys to your rooms and they’re right to your first left and first right, upstairs.” He handed Gene the keys and Gene handed me the keys and I handed 1 key to Damion.
“Lets go Zaek!” Damion and I went upstairs and opened the doors to our rooms.
“Farewell!” I exclaimed.
I went into my room and then looked around. I estimated that the room was, well, small.
- by ---123454545321q |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 12/01/2008 |
- Skip
- Title: Soul Saviors
- Artist: ---123454545321q
- Description: About a amnesia struck 16 year old and his friend who is also amnesia struck survive once they go back in time. A princess, 2 friends and 1 Soul Savior.
- Date: 12/01/2008
- Tags:
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Comments (7 Comments)
- bubbly_gurl_xoxo - 07/17/2009
- great story!! i love the idea! if this was a book i would totally buy it!!!
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- Wayward Shoes - 02/21/2009
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It honestly didn't seem like that much when I was writing it xD
Okie, I'm done. I hope a "little" constructive critizism doesn't offend you. You have a lot of potential. I just want to help. smile
~BL
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- Wayward Shoes - 02/21/2009
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I don't know how else to explain, but just know that even professional writers rewrite their books at least 20 times before sending it to their editor (which, then it is nitpicked and sent back to them to rewrite another 20 times). Nothing is perfect the first time around. After rereading your story you will usually always find at least one mistake that needs fixing.
(continued, almost done, I promise...) - Report As Spam
- Wayward Shoes - 02/21/2009
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Overall, I think the main problem with the flow of your story is that you are telling it instead of writing it. You can't just have an idea and put it on paper (well, some talented individuals can, I guess). What I would recommend is jotting down your ideas on a piece of paper, then writing it out, organizing as you go, then going back through and adding where you think necessary.
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- Wayward Shoes - 02/21/2009
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Another good tip is to use "said" less, especially if you like to have a lot of dialogue in your storys. He said, she said can get a little repetative. Spend a while going through a thesarus and look up other words that can replace the overused "said" (ex. exclaimed, yelled, cried, told, etc.). You dont always have to say that they said something either, you can say what they did while they said it. For example, "I can't believe you did that," she buried her face in her hands, embarrassed.
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- Wayward Shoes - 02/21/2009
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Try not to restate things in quotes. What you dont say through characters should be clarified through naration and vice versa.
Your story has a lot of talking in it and that can get a little dreary. Try to add more descriptions, face expressions, motions (with hands, body language, etc.), whats going on around the characters? Try to add a bit of description about the characters, what they look like, how they act, etc. and the world around them.
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- Wayward Shoes - 02/21/2009
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Good idea behind it, but its hard to read and stay interested.
I'll be honest and tell you that I didn't read the whole thing.
The beginning, with the trick the boys pull and the funeral is a little on the really-really fake side. You have to think about how people would feel if something like that actually happened (those would NOT be their reactions.. believe me).
Also, you reveal too much in the text. We don't want to know what happens before it happens, thats boring.
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