candy

• Artist: Hetoku Kitfang
• Description: This is my 2 story. It is very good. You may need to be alest 10 to reads this. So love my story
• Date: 10/21/2008
• Tags: candy

Bobby wake up! said Jake. Its halloween!!! Candy here I come. said Bobby. But what Bobby And Jake did not know that Sir. Jackson . Betta was out looking for to little boys for his halloween dinner! When they got to the end of the road it would be the end of them. Bobby and Jake went to school in there halloween outfit. Bobby was a dog and Jake was a spy. When they got home they got ready to go. It was 6.00 and they went. It was the last houes and it was the end of the road. A man stood at the end of the sid walk. The boy went to him to see if had candy. The man grabbed the boys to put in his soup! The man at all the soup and ate all the candy in a bowl of blood..... Get away from candy kids if you like to live twisted ............... So sleep not eat candy on halloween..........

Comments

[Hekibel]

I agree with YuzoraRyuu. Add in a little build-up, sweetie. Make the audience cringe and wonder what's gonna happen next. I'd take out the "Little did they know" part, because that spoils the surprise. Give us a good shock when Jackson Betta shows up! You're doing good.

[Orphan-Eater Slenderman]

Um,does this have anything to do with Michael Jackson??? Jackson Betta seems shady.

[Dragon_Angel560]

i thought it was really dumb, no offense or anything and i am over ten. it wasn't very creative or anything it was just boring not thought out it could of had more suspense next time work harder you at least are on your way to being a good writer. and work on your grammer (mines not the best either)

[YuzoraRyuu]

A very fun and festive concept. I see you need a little work on grammar and punctuation. The story was a little bit diffucult to read. I really enjoy the little plot, though I think it went a little fast. There didn't seem to be enough detail. What did the man look like? Also, it seems there needs to be improvement in transition sentences. The ending was a tad unclear. I don't quite understand what happened. I really enjoyed the theme of this story.