• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

    Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
    Panda
    9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
    8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
    7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
    6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
    5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
    4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
    3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
    2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
    1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

    Answering Machine #1
    If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If........

    Answering Machine #2
    Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Answering Machine #3
    Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

    Answering Machine #4
    Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

    Answering Machine #5
    You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.